nothing new

Ellie, I don't have much new to say to you right now. I just miss you so much. I was having a pretty good day. Then for some reason I decided I needed to look at pictures for you. It's like I won't let myself feel good. I don't know if i'm afraid to forget or what. When i'm feeling fine I make myself remember which makes me cry. When i'm crying I desperately want the pain and sadness to go away. Why do I do this to myself? Looking at pictures of you makes me cry so much but in a weird twisted way it makes me happy. Maybe it's because it validates my feelings. It also confirms to me that you do exist.

I was so out of it from pain killers and exhaustion the night you were born that I barely remember what happened. It all seems like a dream. I guess I like looking at the pictures because it reminds me that it did happen. I did get to hold you. Oh how I wish I had cherished that time with you so much more. Why didn't I hold you closer and never let you go? I wish I had squeezed you and kissed you more.

I remember it was a little odd. You were already dead and that freaked me out a little. I never did get to hold you while you were alive. Holding, cuddling, and kissing a dead baby was a little creepy to me. I hope that someday I will get to hold you.

A friend who recently had a baby girl of her own offered to let me hold her baby so my arms wouldn't feel so empty. I really appreciate the offer and someday I will take her up on it but right now i'm afraid that i'd look like too much of a freak holding her baby and bawling my eyes out. I love her and am very happy for her but i'm afraid it will be too hard for me right now.

I love you baby girl. I can't wait to meet you again.

Love,

Mom