holes

Written Friday, June 17th at 4:09 pm

We were on the way to the movies today and I was thinking about all the holes there are in my life since you have gone. The biggest hole is in my heart. There is a hole in the car where your car seat should be. There is a hole in my smile when I tell people i'm doing okay. There is a huge hole our apartment where your bedroom is. It's like a black hole. It keeps sucking things in there from all over the apartment. It has pulled in spoons, bibs, bottles, and bottle cleaners from the kitchen. It has pulled in your baby book from the living room. It has pulled in the towels, washcloths, and soap from the bathroom. I stumble upon these things as I live in and clean the apartment. I grab them quickly and close my eyes and put them in your crib. I don't know how long it's going to be before I can go in there and clean things up. I told your dad this morning that we are probably just going to have to leave it that way. He thought it was a good idea. Or, he's probably just saying that to make me happy.

In the movie there was a little boy who had lost his mom. The fast forwarded to two months in the future. I was amazed at how fast time can fly to the future in the movies. In a way I wish I could fast forward four months. The kid had a locket with a picture of him and his mom in it that he kept in his pocket. I thought it would be nice to get a picture of us and put it in a locket for me. In the end of the movie the boy was able to let go of the locket and move on with his life. He told someone in the movie "bad things happen, but you can live." I hope that I can move on someday. It was good for me. I actually really enjoyed that movie.
Last night I was talking to your Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma asked me if the Doctor had prescribed me anything for depression. Grandpa made the point that i'm not depressed, i'm just sad, there is a difference. I'm not sad all the time, I do miss you a lot and I haven't forgotten it but I do have moments of happiness. I love your papa very much and I have grown in love with him even more over the last two weeks than I thought was possible. I enjoy funny movies and TV. I don't really like talking to people right now but I do enjoy some things.
I'm even starting to enjoy remembering you. I looked at pictures of you last night. It wasn't as hard as it was last time. It was touching. I love you and it was good to have that reassurance that you were here. You did exist and my grief is justified.
love you so much baby girl,
mom