Sunday

Ellie,
Why are Sundays so hard? It's so hard for me to go to church. I always cry. I can go days without crying but I know I will cry in church. It wasn't as bad as last week. Just a few tears this time. I did want to get up and leave about 10 different times. It's just so hard. The gospel really tugs at my heart strings and I can really feel Satan trying to get me to stay home or leave church. I feel like i'm really becoming stronger because of this experience and he really doesn't want me to. I'm always glad when I resist the temptation to leave because I always learn something.
There is a scripture that stuck out to me last week and I have been thinking of it ever since. It was on the board for our Sunday School lesson week. We didn't even get to it I just happened to read it and it really stuck out to me. It's 2 Nephi 10:24-25.

 24 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, ^areconcile yourselves to the^bwill of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the ^cgrace of God that ye are ^dsaved.

 25 Wherefore, may God ^araise you from death by the power of the resurrection, and also from everlasting death by the power of the ^batonement, that ye may be received into the ^ceternalkingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine. Amen.

At first I couldn't figure out why it was that these verses stuck out to me so much, but as i've pondered them there is a number of things that are significant to me right now. Firstly the line that says "reconcile yourselves to the will of God". This is something I have been thinking about anyway and it really stuck out to me in the temple this week. I may not like the situation of losing you but I recognize that it is God's will and I need to not only accept that but also put my will in line with his. Does that make sense. It's more than just accepting it. I don't know if I could have been like Abraham and been willing to sacrifice my only child. If Heavenly Father had asked me to give you up I would have said no. Something about my attitude needs to change. I know my Father in Heaven loves me but I need to trust him and his will. I need to stop having fantasies about going back in time and forcing the doctor to deliver  you early. There is a reason that you had to go but I am not meant to understand it right now. I am only meant to follow in Christ's example and accept this bitter cup. 

I will talk more about this scripture later because I continue to ponder it. There are so many things that apply to me right now. I love you very much. I know that you are a wonderful woman. I feel so blessed to be your mother. 

Love, Mom