2 months

Ellie,
I'm sorry, I had intended to write to you every day and now i've missed two times this week. Today is your 2 month birthday. I count this down so diligently because at 6 months we can start trying to have another kid. This is the only hope I have to cling to right now. The only thing I have to look forward to. It's scary though.
Since losing you i've talked to so many other people and read so many stories and learned about the innumerable things that can go wrong with babies. It is such a miracle when a child is born and lives with nothing wrong.

It make me wonder how I never noticed before. It's like there was this hidden world of angel babies and their families that all of a sudden came into view after I became and angel mama.There is so much pain in the world and so many things that can go wrong.

I really want a baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case thinking about all the things that can go wrong. I just know i'm not ready yet. There are times when I think I really want to get pregnant right away. I haven't had a period yet since I had you and I mentioned some concern about this to my mom. She suggested that I might be pregnant. I was surprised at the fear that shot through my heart. I know i'm not pregnant but for just a second I was terrified. I guess i'm not as ready as I thought I was. Well, I still have 4 more months. We will see how I feel then.
Love you