Church today

Ellie,
I really didn't want to go to church today. I made myself go though. I know it's always the days I really don't want to go that I end up getting so much out of it. Going to church is difficult. Especially on fast sundays. There is always so much emotion and on fast sundays there is usually a baby blessing. Today during the blessing I made myself think of other things. I tried to block it out. Then I noticed that it was your dad that was having a hard time with it and that brought up emotion in me.

Testimony meeting started out rough. I almost got up and walked out. I started crying. It started out as just tears falling down but it got worse and worse until I was balling onto your dad's shoulder. I finally was able to compose myself. I told Dad I wanted to bear my testimony and he said he would go up with me. We bore our testimonies and I don't know if it was that or the crying but I felt much better after that. The counselor did tell me yesterday that crying is biochemically very therapeutic. I need to allow myself to cry more. I think i've been resisting doing that. I just need to try to do it in not so public a setting next time. That was a little embarrassing.

In Sunday school we are talking about a part of the scriptures that is fairly unfamiliar to me. I seem to study the four gospels but past that I don't know much about the New Testament. I realized today that I had been going to church with a sign that says "I am not here". I try not to talk to people, I try not to make eye contact, and I try not to engage in conversations. It's hard to talk about how I am doing but I am grateful for those who notice me even though I try to be invisible.

I do feel like my cup has been filled today and i'm glad I went. It has been so nice going to Sunday School and Relief Society. It has been very uplifting and I really need that now. I am so grateful for the gospel. I don't know what I would do without that knowledge. I don't know how I would ever get through this. I am glad that I have the knowledge of the atonement.
I love you so much. I know we will be together again someday.
Love, Mom