Ellie,
I don't know what it is about Sundays that makes them so hard. A friend of mine calls it the Sunday the funk. I thought that was perfect. I guess it's all the talk about families and all the kids around. I had a hard time yesterday. I was fine going but then I started getting really anxious. I realized that I hadn't taken my meds that morning. So, I went home early to get something to eat and take my medicine.
I want to clear something else up with you. I'm not really mad at you. I'm just mad at the situation. I'm mad that bad things have to happen to good people. I'm mad that less deserving people get to have babies. I'm mad at selfish people and at people who aren't sensitive to what we are going through. There aren't many people but there are some and I know it's just because they don't understand.
I had a horrible dream last night about you. I think maybe my meds give me bad dreams because I had bad dreams the night before too. I dreamt that I wanted you bad enough that I got you back, but we soon realized it wasn't really you. Your body had been possessed by an evil spirit. It was pretty terrifying. Now I have this irrational fear that if I want you back then something bad will happen. Silly, I know but it was enough to make me wake your dad up and have him hold me while I cried. This whole situation with losing you just really sucks. I hate it.
Well, I think I can deal with angry right now. At least i'm not as depressed as I was. I can do something about the anger but I can't do much about the depression. I do wish this hadn't happened to us and I never thought it would, but life isn't predictable and it's not fair. I love you so much.
Mom
Oh Sundays how I wish they weren't sometimes. In the beginning I was fine with them and wanted to be there. But now they are hard. You said it perfectly.
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