angry tears

Ellie,
Well, i'm back at the anger part of grief. I hate this circle i'm going in. It is never ending. It's not a straight line of grief. I wouldn't even mind it if it was a steep slope, but no, it's an ever changing circle. There is no pattern to it. Last night I was reading a friend's blog about her loss. There were so many parts of it that were so similar to your story. Reading it made my heart break because I really know how they feel. But, instead of making me really sad I got mad and I cried angry tears last night. Ever since, my heart has been heavy. Heavy with a deep angry sadness.
I'm not really sure what i'm angry at. I'm not angry at God. I know this isn't something my Heavenly Father has done to us. I'm just angry it has to happen. I'm angry that parents have to bury their children. I'm angry that I have these horrible memories of those days in the hospital. I'm angry that I can't hold you. I'm angry at myself for, what? I don't know. Loving you too much? Getting my hopes up? Not being strong enough? I don't know. I guess I just need to be angry right now. I'm angry at the world and at life. I'm angry that we hoped and prayed and tried to get you here for years then when you finally came you couldn't stay. (You can't tell but in my head right now i'm yelling these words).
Oh my gosh, I just realized i'm angry at you. I am a horrible awful mother. That hole has opened up in my chest again. I am so sorry. I am crying sad tears now and in a weird way it is helping. I know what I am angry at and I feel awful for it. How can I possible be angry at you? It's not your fault. I'm sorry honey, I love you so much.
Why does there have to be so much pain in the world? I guess I know why. If there was no pain there would be no joy. For the first time I envy Adam and Eve and the time they spent in the Garden of Eden with no pain and no joy. It must have been shocking for them to suddenly experience such a wide array of emotions. I don't know if i'm taking that story to literally right now. But, I can see the draw of not being able to feel emotion. I know we hurt so much because we love so much but sometimes I wish I could give up the joy if it meant the pain would go away as well. We had so much joy though when we were expecting you. And we looked forward with anticipation of so much more joy. Instead we just got pain. Part of me thinks I should focus on remembering the good times and the joy we did feel. But then it makes me sad again to know that is gone.
I don't feel you around me as much anymore. Have you gone on? Am I just not noticing? Or were you never near me in the first place? I miss you so much. Life is moving forward without you. I know one day I will feel that joy again but there will always be the terrible pain of losing you.
I love you.
Mom