Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
Yes, I mean I was already doing this blog but I wasn't writing as much as I used to. It really helped to have something specific to write about every day. It also made me think a lot about things. I need to figure out some way to keep this up every day of the year. I think in November I will post something I am grateful for everyday. In December I can do something related to Christ every day. I think that it will help to get through the holidays to focus on my blessings and on Christ. Maybe when the new year starts I can come up with more questions or have people post questions for me to answer.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Day 30
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holidays and starting a new year)
I really wanted to be off my meds so I stopped early so I could learn to cope without them for the holidays. Now i'm wishing I was still on them. The next two months are going to be really hard. The one thing i'm really grateful for is that Bobby and I will be able to be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We couldn't get through it without each other. We have some plans on how we are going to deal with the holidays but I don't think there is much we can do except wait for them to be over.
As far as the new year goes I think we are really looking forward to it. We are really ready for this stupid year to be over and be able to start afresh. I just really hope we aren't disappointed with next year. I just don't think we can take much more disappointment. It will be better. It can't get much worse. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't want to jinx myself.
I really wanted to be off my meds so I stopped early so I could learn to cope without them for the holidays. Now i'm wishing I was still on them. The next two months are going to be really hard. The one thing i'm really grateful for is that Bobby and I will be able to be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We couldn't get through it without each other. We have some plans on how we are going to deal with the holidays but I don't think there is much we can do except wait for them to be over.
As far as the new year goes I think we are really looking forward to it. We are really ready for this stupid year to be over and be able to start afresh. I just really hope we aren't disappointed with next year. I just don't think we can take much more disappointment. It will be better. It can't get much worse. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't want to jinx myself.
Halloween
Ellie,
Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
I just keep thinking about this. How cute you would have looked. In ways our life is getting back to the way it was before but it hurts to think about how different things would be if you were here. I love you so much baby girl.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, October 29, 2011
This week
Ellie,
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom
Day 29
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on.
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection.
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.
My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on.
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection.
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Share Walk for Remembrance
Here is the link I put in our family blog about the Share Walk For Remembrance.
http://bobbyandsharonrinehart.blogspot.com/2011/10/share-walk-for-remembrance.html
http://bobbyandsharonrinehart.blogspot.com/2011/10/share-walk-for-remembrance.html
Beautiful Heartbreak
Just a warning. This song will make you cry.
The woman in the photo who is burned is an amazing person. I heard her speak a couple of weeks ago at a fireside. She has just finished writing a book. I will be first in line to buy it. She is so humble and real. Her talk wasn't polished and fake like some motivational speakers. She was just a real person who has learned a lot from her experience and wanted to share it.
Day 28
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
You know, I don't think I have. For the most part people have been great to us so far. The only thing I can think of that really bothers me is when people try to compare their loss to ours. I don't want to say our loss is worse but losing a parent, grandparent, even sibling is just different. And I don't really blame people. They are just trying to help but comparing their loss to ours doesn't help at all.
You know, I don't think I have. For the most part people have been great to us so far. The only thing I can think of that really bothers me is when people try to compare their loss to ours. I don't want to say our loss is worse but losing a parent, grandparent, even sibling is just different. And I don't really blame people. They are just trying to help but comparing their loss to ours doesn't help at all.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 27
Day 27: Share a picture.
I've shared a lot of our pictures of her and us. I tried to find one I hadn't shared yet.
I've shared a lot of our pictures of her and us. I tried to find one I hadn't shared yet.
To me this picture is beautiful and sad all at the same time.
Day 26
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
7 It hasn't been the worst day but it hasn't been the best. Being off-track is difficult. I have to try to keep myself busy so I don't wallow in depression too much. There were a few things today that made me sad. I'm just a little more down about it today than I have been recently. Maybe it's the change of the weather or the approaching holiday season. I am really excited that Bobby has a job but it's going to be hard for me to be home alone without him so much while i'm off-track. Now I know how he has felt the last couple of months. It is really comforting being with him. I will miss him a lot. I have this terrible fear of losing him too. I know it will be fine i'm just overly worried about that now.
7 It hasn't been the worst day but it hasn't been the best. Being off-track is difficult. I have to try to keep myself busy so I don't wallow in depression too much. There were a few things today that made me sad. I'm just a little more down about it today than I have been recently. Maybe it's the change of the weather or the approaching holiday season. I am really excited that Bobby has a job but it's going to be hard for me to be home alone without him so much while i'm off-track. Now I know how he has felt the last couple of months. It is really comforting being with him. I will miss him a lot. I have this terrible fear of losing him too. I know it will be fine i'm just overly worried about that now.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 25
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
I spend time with Bobby. We try to make it a special day and distract ourselves. Going to see movies seemed to be key for us. We saw A LOT of movies this summer. We love going to the movies anyway and were slightly regretting that we wouldn't have that freedom anymore so we were excited to get to go and see some movies we were really looking forward to.
Today was kind of rough because it's the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I have really been dreading this day. It was good though because I got paid and Bobby FINALLY has a job! Yeah! So, we had a fun day we went out to eat to celebrate and did some much needed grocery shopping. We also looked at some Halloween and Christmas decorations just for fun. I had a rough time with some of the Halloween decorations. I wasn't really expecting that. I didn't really think about it until I came across a baby sized skeleton and had a breakdown in the middle of Wal Mart. Why would people want baby skeletons?!?!?!? Grrr, i'm still mad about that. It has been a long time since i've had an uncontrollable crying fit like that. There was no stopping it.
Seeing the "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments was really hard too. That was really hard on Bobby too. He doesn't cry though. He gets angry. I was yelling right there in the middle of the aisle. I was afraid he was going to start smashing ornaments. I had to redirect him and distract him.
Sorry this kind of got off on a tangent. Today was really the only anniversary day we've had so far other than her due date. I'm glad today is over. I am starting anew tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to think "this time last year" for the next 8 months.
I spend time with Bobby. We try to make it a special day and distract ourselves. Going to see movies seemed to be key for us. We saw A LOT of movies this summer. We love going to the movies anyway and were slightly regretting that we wouldn't have that freedom anymore so we were excited to get to go and see some movies we were really looking forward to.
Today was kind of rough because it's the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I have really been dreading this day. It was good though because I got paid and Bobby FINALLY has a job! Yeah! So, we had a fun day we went out to eat to celebrate and did some much needed grocery shopping. We also looked at some Halloween and Christmas decorations just for fun. I had a rough time with some of the Halloween decorations. I wasn't really expecting that. I didn't really think about it until I came across a baby sized skeleton and had a breakdown in the middle of Wal Mart. Why would people want baby skeletons?!?!?!? Grrr, i'm still mad about that. It has been a long time since i've had an uncontrollable crying fit like that. There was no stopping it.
Seeing the "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments was really hard too. That was really hard on Bobby too. He doesn't cry though. He gets angry. I was yelling right there in the middle of the aisle. I was afraid he was going to start smashing ornaments. I had to redirect him and distract him.
Sorry this kind of got off on a tangent. Today was really the only anniversary day we've had so far other than her due date. I'm glad today is over. I am starting anew tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to think "this time last year" for the next 8 months.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 24
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
So far I have prepared emotionally for a couple of anniversaries. Her due date was really tough. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant. I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I know it's going to be hard so i'm going to try to keep myself busy and do something fun. We have plans for Christmas and her birthday. I'm not sure how we are going to deal with Mother's day, Father's day, diagnosis day, and the anniversary of her burial. I don't really even want to think about it right now. Hopefully we are pregnant by then. I know that is always going to be a really hard time of the year.
So far I have prepared emotionally for a couple of anniversaries. Her due date was really tough. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant. I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I know it's going to be hard so i'm going to try to keep myself busy and do something fun. We have plans for Christmas and her birthday. I'm not sure how we are going to deal with Mother's day, Father's day, diagnosis day, and the anniversary of her burial. I don't really even want to think about it right now. Hopefully we are pregnant by then. I know that is always going to be a really hard time of the year.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Ellie,
I haven't felt the need to write as much lately. I'm not completely better but i'm doing a lot better. I have been off meds for a few weeks now and i'm doing fine. Maybe i'm just seeing things positively because i'm looking forward to three weeks off of work. I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I remember this summer when I dreaded having time off of work because I knew I was going to be depressed. Now I know that I need it. I need some time for myself. Work has been pretty stressful lately. Mostly because of parent teacher conferences. But, that's over now. For a while anyway, until the next conferences in March.
I feel bad though because I feel like i've been really short with your dad. Things have just been stressful and i've just gotten easily frustrated. There was one day that I was particularly frustrated with him and I don't even remember why. I got home from work and I went in the bedroom to change. I noticed that he had a picture of you on the floor next to the bed. He had been lying in bed that day looking at that picture. I felt so bad. Sometimes I forget that he is going through this too and that I need to be sensitive to him.
Things may be getting better though because we are pretty sure that he has a job. While that doesn't bring you back it does relieve some of the stress. We will be able to pay off some bills and be ready for the next baby.
I've had a really good time recently with my mom coming to visit. It was really nice having her here. It has been a rough year and it's always good to be with family. The other day I was making us all some breakfast. Quiche, potatoes, and sausage. I got up and got to work on cooking. It took a while and we got up late so we ended up eating around 11:30. I realized for some reason that I hadn't even thought of you yet today. It was the longest I had gone since I had thought of you. It shocked me. I couldn't decide if I was happy or upset about that. You are and will always be a part of my life. But, my life still goes on, even if I have to do it without you.
I love you so much.
Mom
I haven't felt the need to write as much lately. I'm not completely better but i'm doing a lot better. I have been off meds for a few weeks now and i'm doing fine. Maybe i'm just seeing things positively because i'm looking forward to three weeks off of work. I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I remember this summer when I dreaded having time off of work because I knew I was going to be depressed. Now I know that I need it. I need some time for myself. Work has been pretty stressful lately. Mostly because of parent teacher conferences. But, that's over now. For a while anyway, until the next conferences in March.
I feel bad though because I feel like i've been really short with your dad. Things have just been stressful and i've just gotten easily frustrated. There was one day that I was particularly frustrated with him and I don't even remember why. I got home from work and I went in the bedroom to change. I noticed that he had a picture of you on the floor next to the bed. He had been lying in bed that day looking at that picture. I felt so bad. Sometimes I forget that he is going through this too and that I need to be sensitive to him.
Things may be getting better though because we are pretty sure that he has a job. While that doesn't bring you back it does relieve some of the stress. We will be able to pay off some bills and be ready for the next baby.
I've had a really good time recently with my mom coming to visit. It was really nice having her here. It has been a rough year and it's always good to be with family. The other day I was making us all some breakfast. Quiche, potatoes, and sausage. I got up and got to work on cooking. It took a while and we got up late so we ended up eating around 11:30. I realized for some reason that I hadn't even thought of you yet today. It was the longest I had gone since I had thought of you. It shocked me. I couldn't decide if I was happy or upset about that. You are and will always be a part of my life. But, my life still goes on, even if I have to do it without you.
I love you so much.
Mom
Day 23
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Day 22
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child?
We sang "Our Savior's Love" at her graveside service. That song will always make me think of her. We sang that in Relief Society my first Sunday back in my ward after we lost her. It seemed like the perfect song to sing for her because that's what we all needed at the time.
Now that I have sung "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk last week I guess that will always make me think of her too. That seemed like a good song because it's somewhat relevant but not too sad. The other songs I had the option of singing were about losing a child and I knew i'd never make it through those. I had a hard enough time as it was singing that song. The line that always choke me up was "and even though I know how very far apart we are". Sometimes I feel her close and I feel like the veil is thin but she is so far away. I can't see her, I can't hold her, I can't be with her. She literally is as far away as she could possibly be.
Other than those two songs I don't really have any songs that always remind me of her. There will be lines in songs, especially church songs, that will make me think of her but those are the only two that are directly related to her.
We sang "Our Savior's Love" at her graveside service. That song will always make me think of her. We sang that in Relief Society my first Sunday back in my ward after we lost her. It seemed like the perfect song to sing for her because that's what we all needed at the time.
Now that I have sung "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk last week I guess that will always make me think of her too. That seemed like a good song because it's somewhat relevant but not too sad. The other songs I had the option of singing were about losing a child and I knew i'd never make it through those. I had a hard enough time as it was singing that song. The line that always choke me up was "and even though I know how very far apart we are". Sometimes I feel her close and I feel like the veil is thin but she is so far away. I can't see her, I can't hold her, I can't be with her. She literally is as far away as she could possibly be.
Other than those two songs I don't really have any songs that always remind me of her. There will be lines in songs, especially church songs, that will make me think of her but those are the only two that are directly related to her.
Day 21
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
I am happy that I am a mom. I have a daughter. I was able to get pregnant. I do have good memories of being pregnant. I like seeing her face. But, I guess those things don't really make me smile. Sometimes I smile when I look at her picture but then tears come to my eyes too. Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time. I am happy that I had such a beautiful daughter but sad that she is dead. I am happy that she will never feel the pain and sadness that life here on earth can bring. I am very happy and proud to already be a mother to an exalted daughter of God. I like to think of her but it still hurts. I hope that I can get to the point that I can think of her without it hurting so bad.
I am happy that I am a mom. I have a daughter. I was able to get pregnant. I do have good memories of being pregnant. I like seeing her face. But, I guess those things don't really make me smile. Sometimes I smile when I look at her picture but then tears come to my eyes too. Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time. I am happy that I had such a beautiful daughter but sad that she is dead. I am happy that she will never feel the pain and sadness that life here on earth can bring. I am very happy and proud to already be a mother to an exalted daughter of God. I like to think of her but it still hurts. I hope that I can get to the point that I can think of her without it hurting so bad.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Day 20
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
We tried so long to get pregnant. Why would God finally let us get pregnant just to take her away from us? Why did he let us get as far as we did and let us see her breathing and let us get the comfort of knowing everything was going to be all right just to take it all away. Why is there no explanation. I don't have control. Life is not fair. Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have held her alive in my arms? Even if just for a little bit.
We tried so long to get pregnant. Why would God finally let us get pregnant just to take her away from us? Why did he let us get as far as we did and let us see her breathing and let us get the comfort of knowing everything was going to be all right just to take it all away. Why is there no explanation. I don't have control. Life is not fair. Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have held her alive in my arms? Even if just for a little bit.
Day 19
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child?
I have surprisingly many considering I only knew her for the 8 months I was pregnant with her. I can't describe the joy I felt when we found out I was pregnant. We both cried. I loved feeling her move. I loved watching her on the ultrasound. I love the way she fought with the ultrasound techs. I love the way she would start to move when she would hear her daddy speak. I can't say holding a dead baby was really a happy memory but it is the only one I have of her and I still like when they brought her to me.
I have surprisingly many considering I only knew her for the 8 months I was pregnant with her. I can't describe the joy I felt when we found out I was pregnant. We both cried. I loved feeling her move. I loved watching her on the ultrasound. I love the way she fought with the ultrasound techs. I love the way she would start to move when she would hear her daddy speak. I can't say holding a dead baby was really a happy memory but it is the only one I have of her and I still like when they brought her to me.
Day 18
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Being with Bobby. I love him so much and he always is able to calm me down and bring me comfort. Also reading my scriptures and praying.
Being with Bobby. I love him so much and he always is able to calm me down and bring me comfort. Also reading my scriptures and praying.
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