As I grieve your passing people tell me to not feel guilty for any of the feelings I have. It's all part of the grieving process. However, I can't help but feel guilty for the feelings of jealousy I have. There are so many people out there that have kids and don't really want them. There are women having abortions, teenagers getting pregnant the first time they have sex, women dumping their babies in dumpsters, people who have kids and don't appreciate them, and I even heard about a woman paying someone to beat her so she would miscarry.
All of these I don't feel too guilty about being jealous of. It's when I start feeling jealous of people I love that I start to feel guilty. I'm jealous of my friends who are having babies of their own, i'm jealous of people in my support group that have lost children but also have other children, i'm jealous of my brother and sister-in-law who have given me two beautiful nieces.
Right now i'm really jealous of my good friend and co-worker who is in the same hospital as I was and is having her baby girl right now. (Kate, if you ever read this I am sorry. I am really happy for you and I really don't want to mar your happy occasion because i'm feeling down about it.) We got pregnant around the same time and were due two days apart. For both of us it was our first baby and we were both having girls. We had so much fun being pregnant together. We even had a baby shower together at work. We talked about everything along the way. And now she's in the hospital giving birth to her healthy baby. She will get to hold her and be with her and watch her grow up. I wonder if you and her baby Annie are friends who looked forward to coming down here together.
Jealousy in and of itself isn't so bad. The problem with jealousy is that it's like a gateway feeling. It may start off as mere jealousy but it soon develops into worse feelings. I love all of these people and I don't want to feel these feelings about them. Maybe I can turn these feelings into something good and productive. If you have the answer Ellie please guide me. Please give me strength right now. Sometimes I feel you close by. I need you today Ellie. Help me to be happy for those I love.
Mom
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