Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
Yes, I mean I was already doing this blog but I wasn't writing as much as I used to. It really helped to have something specific to write about every day. It also made me think a lot about things. I need to figure out some way to keep this up every day of the year. I think in November I will post something I am grateful for everyday. In December I can do something related to Christ every day. I think that it will help to get through the holidays to focus on my blessings and on Christ. Maybe when the new year starts I can come up with more questions or have people post questions for me to answer.
This blog is dedicated to my little girl Ellie Marie. She was stillborn at 37 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy. I am hoping that this blog will help me and others who have to go through this grieving and healing process.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Day 30
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holidays and starting a new year)
I really wanted to be off my meds so I stopped early so I could learn to cope without them for the holidays. Now i'm wishing I was still on them. The next two months are going to be really hard. The one thing i'm really grateful for is that Bobby and I will be able to be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We couldn't get through it without each other. We have some plans on how we are going to deal with the holidays but I don't think there is much we can do except wait for them to be over.
As far as the new year goes I think we are really looking forward to it. We are really ready for this stupid year to be over and be able to start afresh. I just really hope we aren't disappointed with next year. I just don't think we can take much more disappointment. It will be better. It can't get much worse. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't want to jinx myself.
I really wanted to be off my meds so I stopped early so I could learn to cope without them for the holidays. Now i'm wishing I was still on them. The next two months are going to be really hard. The one thing i'm really grateful for is that Bobby and I will be able to be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We couldn't get through it without each other. We have some plans on how we are going to deal with the holidays but I don't think there is much we can do except wait for them to be over.
As far as the new year goes I think we are really looking forward to it. We are really ready for this stupid year to be over and be able to start afresh. I just really hope we aren't disappointed with next year. I just don't think we can take much more disappointment. It will be better. It can't get much worse. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't want to jinx myself.
Halloween
Ellie,
Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
I just keep thinking about this. How cute you would have looked. In ways our life is getting back to the way it was before but it hurts to think about how different things would be if you were here. I love you so much baby girl.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, October 29, 2011
This week
Ellie,
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom
Day 29
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on.
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection.
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.
My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on.
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection.
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Share Walk for Remembrance
Here is the link I put in our family blog about the Share Walk For Remembrance.
http://bobbyandsharonrinehart.blogspot.com/2011/10/share-walk-for-remembrance.html
http://bobbyandsharonrinehart.blogspot.com/2011/10/share-walk-for-remembrance.html
Beautiful Heartbreak
Just a warning. This song will make you cry.
The woman in the photo who is burned is an amazing person. I heard her speak a couple of weeks ago at a fireside. She has just finished writing a book. I will be first in line to buy it. She is so humble and real. Her talk wasn't polished and fake like some motivational speakers. She was just a real person who has learned a lot from her experience and wanted to share it.
Day 28
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
You know, I don't think I have. For the most part people have been great to us so far. The only thing I can think of that really bothers me is when people try to compare their loss to ours. I don't want to say our loss is worse but losing a parent, grandparent, even sibling is just different. And I don't really blame people. They are just trying to help but comparing their loss to ours doesn't help at all.
You know, I don't think I have. For the most part people have been great to us so far. The only thing I can think of that really bothers me is when people try to compare their loss to ours. I don't want to say our loss is worse but losing a parent, grandparent, even sibling is just different. And I don't really blame people. They are just trying to help but comparing their loss to ours doesn't help at all.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 27
Day 27: Share a picture.
I've shared a lot of our pictures of her and us. I tried to find one I hadn't shared yet.
I've shared a lot of our pictures of her and us. I tried to find one I hadn't shared yet.
To me this picture is beautiful and sad all at the same time.
Day 26
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
7 It hasn't been the worst day but it hasn't been the best. Being off-track is difficult. I have to try to keep myself busy so I don't wallow in depression too much. There were a few things today that made me sad. I'm just a little more down about it today than I have been recently. Maybe it's the change of the weather or the approaching holiday season. I am really excited that Bobby has a job but it's going to be hard for me to be home alone without him so much while i'm off-track. Now I know how he has felt the last couple of months. It is really comforting being with him. I will miss him a lot. I have this terrible fear of losing him too. I know it will be fine i'm just overly worried about that now.
7 It hasn't been the worst day but it hasn't been the best. Being off-track is difficult. I have to try to keep myself busy so I don't wallow in depression too much. There were a few things today that made me sad. I'm just a little more down about it today than I have been recently. Maybe it's the change of the weather or the approaching holiday season. I am really excited that Bobby has a job but it's going to be hard for me to be home alone without him so much while i'm off-track. Now I know how he has felt the last couple of months. It is really comforting being with him. I will miss him a lot. I have this terrible fear of losing him too. I know it will be fine i'm just overly worried about that now.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 25
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
I spend time with Bobby. We try to make it a special day and distract ourselves. Going to see movies seemed to be key for us. We saw A LOT of movies this summer. We love going to the movies anyway and were slightly regretting that we wouldn't have that freedom anymore so we were excited to get to go and see some movies we were really looking forward to.
Today was kind of rough because it's the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I have really been dreading this day. It was good though because I got paid and Bobby FINALLY has a job! Yeah! So, we had a fun day we went out to eat to celebrate and did some much needed grocery shopping. We also looked at some Halloween and Christmas decorations just for fun. I had a rough time with some of the Halloween decorations. I wasn't really expecting that. I didn't really think about it until I came across a baby sized skeleton and had a breakdown in the middle of Wal Mart. Why would people want baby skeletons?!?!?!? Grrr, i'm still mad about that. It has been a long time since i've had an uncontrollable crying fit like that. There was no stopping it.
Seeing the "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments was really hard too. That was really hard on Bobby too. He doesn't cry though. He gets angry. I was yelling right there in the middle of the aisle. I was afraid he was going to start smashing ornaments. I had to redirect him and distract him.
Sorry this kind of got off on a tangent. Today was really the only anniversary day we've had so far other than her due date. I'm glad today is over. I am starting anew tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to think "this time last year" for the next 8 months.
I spend time with Bobby. We try to make it a special day and distract ourselves. Going to see movies seemed to be key for us. We saw A LOT of movies this summer. We love going to the movies anyway and were slightly regretting that we wouldn't have that freedom anymore so we were excited to get to go and see some movies we were really looking forward to.
Today was kind of rough because it's the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I have really been dreading this day. It was good though because I got paid and Bobby FINALLY has a job! Yeah! So, we had a fun day we went out to eat to celebrate and did some much needed grocery shopping. We also looked at some Halloween and Christmas decorations just for fun. I had a rough time with some of the Halloween decorations. I wasn't really expecting that. I didn't really think about it until I came across a baby sized skeleton and had a breakdown in the middle of Wal Mart. Why would people want baby skeletons?!?!?!? Grrr, i'm still mad about that. It has been a long time since i've had an uncontrollable crying fit like that. There was no stopping it.
Seeing the "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments was really hard too. That was really hard on Bobby too. He doesn't cry though. He gets angry. I was yelling right there in the middle of the aisle. I was afraid he was going to start smashing ornaments. I had to redirect him and distract him.
Sorry this kind of got off on a tangent. Today was really the only anniversary day we've had so far other than her due date. I'm glad today is over. I am starting anew tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to think "this time last year" for the next 8 months.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 24
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
So far I have prepared emotionally for a couple of anniversaries. Her due date was really tough. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant. I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I know it's going to be hard so i'm going to try to keep myself busy and do something fun. We have plans for Christmas and her birthday. I'm not sure how we are going to deal with Mother's day, Father's day, diagnosis day, and the anniversary of her burial. I don't really even want to think about it right now. Hopefully we are pregnant by then. I know that is always going to be a really hard time of the year.
So far I have prepared emotionally for a couple of anniversaries. Her due date was really tough. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant. I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I know it's going to be hard so i'm going to try to keep myself busy and do something fun. We have plans for Christmas and her birthday. I'm not sure how we are going to deal with Mother's day, Father's day, diagnosis day, and the anniversary of her burial. I don't really even want to think about it right now. Hopefully we are pregnant by then. I know that is always going to be a really hard time of the year.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Ellie,
I haven't felt the need to write as much lately. I'm not completely better but i'm doing a lot better. I have been off meds for a few weeks now and i'm doing fine. Maybe i'm just seeing things positively because i'm looking forward to three weeks off of work. I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I remember this summer when I dreaded having time off of work because I knew I was going to be depressed. Now I know that I need it. I need some time for myself. Work has been pretty stressful lately. Mostly because of parent teacher conferences. But, that's over now. For a while anyway, until the next conferences in March.
I feel bad though because I feel like i've been really short with your dad. Things have just been stressful and i've just gotten easily frustrated. There was one day that I was particularly frustrated with him and I don't even remember why. I got home from work and I went in the bedroom to change. I noticed that he had a picture of you on the floor next to the bed. He had been lying in bed that day looking at that picture. I felt so bad. Sometimes I forget that he is going through this too and that I need to be sensitive to him.
Things may be getting better though because we are pretty sure that he has a job. While that doesn't bring you back it does relieve some of the stress. We will be able to pay off some bills and be ready for the next baby.
I've had a really good time recently with my mom coming to visit. It was really nice having her here. It has been a rough year and it's always good to be with family. The other day I was making us all some breakfast. Quiche, potatoes, and sausage. I got up and got to work on cooking. It took a while and we got up late so we ended up eating around 11:30. I realized for some reason that I hadn't even thought of you yet today. It was the longest I had gone since I had thought of you. It shocked me. I couldn't decide if I was happy or upset about that. You are and will always be a part of my life. But, my life still goes on, even if I have to do it without you.
I love you so much.
Mom
I haven't felt the need to write as much lately. I'm not completely better but i'm doing a lot better. I have been off meds for a few weeks now and i'm doing fine. Maybe i'm just seeing things positively because i'm looking forward to three weeks off of work. I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I remember this summer when I dreaded having time off of work because I knew I was going to be depressed. Now I know that I need it. I need some time for myself. Work has been pretty stressful lately. Mostly because of parent teacher conferences. But, that's over now. For a while anyway, until the next conferences in March.
I feel bad though because I feel like i've been really short with your dad. Things have just been stressful and i've just gotten easily frustrated. There was one day that I was particularly frustrated with him and I don't even remember why. I got home from work and I went in the bedroom to change. I noticed that he had a picture of you on the floor next to the bed. He had been lying in bed that day looking at that picture. I felt so bad. Sometimes I forget that he is going through this too and that I need to be sensitive to him.
Things may be getting better though because we are pretty sure that he has a job. While that doesn't bring you back it does relieve some of the stress. We will be able to pay off some bills and be ready for the next baby.
I've had a really good time recently with my mom coming to visit. It was really nice having her here. It has been a rough year and it's always good to be with family. The other day I was making us all some breakfast. Quiche, potatoes, and sausage. I got up and got to work on cooking. It took a while and we got up late so we ended up eating around 11:30. I realized for some reason that I hadn't even thought of you yet today. It was the longest I had gone since I had thought of you. It shocked me. I couldn't decide if I was happy or upset about that. You are and will always be a part of my life. But, my life still goes on, even if I have to do it without you.
I love you so much.
Mom
Day 23
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Day 22
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child?
We sang "Our Savior's Love" at her graveside service. That song will always make me think of her. We sang that in Relief Society my first Sunday back in my ward after we lost her. It seemed like the perfect song to sing for her because that's what we all needed at the time.
Now that I have sung "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk last week I guess that will always make me think of her too. That seemed like a good song because it's somewhat relevant but not too sad. The other songs I had the option of singing were about losing a child and I knew i'd never make it through those. I had a hard enough time as it was singing that song. The line that always choke me up was "and even though I know how very far apart we are". Sometimes I feel her close and I feel like the veil is thin but she is so far away. I can't see her, I can't hold her, I can't be with her. She literally is as far away as she could possibly be.
Other than those two songs I don't really have any songs that always remind me of her. There will be lines in songs, especially church songs, that will make me think of her but those are the only two that are directly related to her.
We sang "Our Savior's Love" at her graveside service. That song will always make me think of her. We sang that in Relief Society my first Sunday back in my ward after we lost her. It seemed like the perfect song to sing for her because that's what we all needed at the time.
Now that I have sung "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk last week I guess that will always make me think of her too. That seemed like a good song because it's somewhat relevant but not too sad. The other songs I had the option of singing were about losing a child and I knew i'd never make it through those. I had a hard enough time as it was singing that song. The line that always choke me up was "and even though I know how very far apart we are". Sometimes I feel her close and I feel like the veil is thin but she is so far away. I can't see her, I can't hold her, I can't be with her. She literally is as far away as she could possibly be.
Other than those two songs I don't really have any songs that always remind me of her. There will be lines in songs, especially church songs, that will make me think of her but those are the only two that are directly related to her.
Day 21
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
I am happy that I am a mom. I have a daughter. I was able to get pregnant. I do have good memories of being pregnant. I like seeing her face. But, I guess those things don't really make me smile. Sometimes I smile when I look at her picture but then tears come to my eyes too. Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time. I am happy that I had such a beautiful daughter but sad that she is dead. I am happy that she will never feel the pain and sadness that life here on earth can bring. I am very happy and proud to already be a mother to an exalted daughter of God. I like to think of her but it still hurts. I hope that I can get to the point that I can think of her without it hurting so bad.
I am happy that I am a mom. I have a daughter. I was able to get pregnant. I do have good memories of being pregnant. I like seeing her face. But, I guess those things don't really make me smile. Sometimes I smile when I look at her picture but then tears come to my eyes too. Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time. I am happy that I had such a beautiful daughter but sad that she is dead. I am happy that she will never feel the pain and sadness that life here on earth can bring. I am very happy and proud to already be a mother to an exalted daughter of God. I like to think of her but it still hurts. I hope that I can get to the point that I can think of her without it hurting so bad.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Day 20
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
We tried so long to get pregnant. Why would God finally let us get pregnant just to take her away from us? Why did he let us get as far as we did and let us see her breathing and let us get the comfort of knowing everything was going to be all right just to take it all away. Why is there no explanation. I don't have control. Life is not fair. Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have held her alive in my arms? Even if just for a little bit.
We tried so long to get pregnant. Why would God finally let us get pregnant just to take her away from us? Why did he let us get as far as we did and let us see her breathing and let us get the comfort of knowing everything was going to be all right just to take it all away. Why is there no explanation. I don't have control. Life is not fair. Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I have held her alive in my arms? Even if just for a little bit.
Day 19
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child?
I have surprisingly many considering I only knew her for the 8 months I was pregnant with her. I can't describe the joy I felt when we found out I was pregnant. We both cried. I loved feeling her move. I loved watching her on the ultrasound. I love the way she fought with the ultrasound techs. I love the way she would start to move when she would hear her daddy speak. I can't say holding a dead baby was really a happy memory but it is the only one I have of her and I still like when they brought her to me.
I have surprisingly many considering I only knew her for the 8 months I was pregnant with her. I can't describe the joy I felt when we found out I was pregnant. We both cried. I loved feeling her move. I loved watching her on the ultrasound. I love the way she fought with the ultrasound techs. I love the way she would start to move when she would hear her daddy speak. I can't say holding a dead baby was really a happy memory but it is the only one I have of her and I still like when they brought her to me.
Day 18
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Being with Bobby. I love him so much and he always is able to calm me down and bring me comfort. Also reading my scriptures and praying.
Being with Bobby. I love him so much and he always is able to calm me down and bring me comfort. Also reading my scriptures and praying.
“There are some years in our lives that we would not want to live again. But even these years will pass away, and the lessons learned will be a future blessing.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley
Monday, October 17, 2011
Day 17
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Yes, a lot. Sometimes I will even charge her to go and watch over other people that I feel are in more need than me. When my mom was having surgery or when Bobby was having a rough time I asked her to go and watch over them. I feel her presence sometimes more than others. Especially at night I guess because i'm quiet and have time to think. Also, I feel closer to her in her bedroom. A couple times, and this may sounds stupid to some people, I feel that she has gotten the cat or other people to come and check on me when I particularly needed some comfort. I feel very grateful to have my own personal guardian angel with me whenever I need her.
Yes, a lot. Sometimes I will even charge her to go and watch over other people that I feel are in more need than me. When my mom was having surgery or when Bobby was having a rough time I asked her to go and watch over them. I feel her presence sometimes more than others. Especially at night I guess because i'm quiet and have time to think. Also, I feel closer to her in her bedroom. A couple times, and this may sounds stupid to some people, I feel that she has gotten the cat or other people to come and check on me when I particularly needed some comfort. I feel very grateful to have my own personal guardian angel with me whenever I need her.
Day 16
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I don't know, not enough I guess. I am trying to be a little more chill than I was before. I am the type of person that really stresses out about things. Since we lost Ellie I have been trying to keep myself de-stessed as much as possible. I guess this loss has really put things in perspective for me. It's like some things that I really stressed about before just don't seem as important. I don't have other kids so when i'm not at work I really do have my time to myself. Bobby and I spend a lot of time together and if i'm not too exhausted from work I clean a lot. That has been one thing that I have found to keep myself busy.
I don't know, not enough I guess. I am trying to be a little more chill than I was before. I am the type of person that really stresses out about things. Since we lost Ellie I have been trying to keep myself de-stessed as much as possible. I guess this loss has really put things in perspective for me. It's like some things that I really stressed about before just don't seem as important. I don't have other kids so when i'm not at work I really do have my time to myself. Bobby and I spend a lot of time together and if i'm not too exhausted from work I clean a lot. That has been one thing that I have found to keep myself busy.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Walk for Remembrance
Ellie,
Wow, today was really rough. It was just so emotional. In ways it was good. We got to honor you and remember you, which I like doing but it's hard too.
I got a good night's sleep and drank plenty of water. I had a pretty leisurely morning. I took my time getting ready. I practice my song on and off throughout the morning. A little bit before we left I tried out my song for your dad. I couldn't make it through without crying. That worried me a bit. What if I did that when I performed? We made it there in plenty of time. Which was good because it gave me time to get used to the area and do the sound check. The sound check went well. That made me feel a lot better. It was so hot there though and we got there so early so we had to sit in the sun for a while.
We got our shirts that we had ordered, got a program, signed in and waited. Melissa, my mom, JC, and my grandma came to support us. It was good to have them there. We were both having a hard time. We were both very nervous and kind of grumpy. It was nice to see people that we knew there. We had met a few people at the meetings.
The program started and I had to force myself not to really pay attention to the speaker. I think she did a good job. She Mrs. Utah. I knew I was up after her and couldn't afford to get too emotional. I realized it had been a while since I had gone through my song and I started panicking that I would forget the words. Which was stupid because I had practiced so much. I knew the words backwards and forwards. When it was finally my turn I decided to take the music up with me. The woman who introduced us was amazed that I was singing only a few months after our loss.
The song went pretty well. I didn't sing perfectly. There were a couple times I thought I was going to cry but I forced myself to keep singing. So, there were some parts that sounded strained. But, I was happy that I didn't break down and start crying or forget the words so I considered it a victory. I was shaking the whole time. I couldn't look at people. Grandma and Dad were videotaping me but I didn't look at them at all. I just kept scanning the trees right above the crowd. I was shaking so hard I was sure it would pick up on the mic. Everyone said they couldn't tell I was shaking so I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought.
After that I was able to relax more and enjoy the event. The venue was kind of weird because we were at a cemetery. It was beautiful. There was a big lawn, lots of large trees, and a gorgeous fountain. After I sang we all did a walk around the cemetery. At the end we got a pink balloon. The names of the babies were read and as our babies name was ready we were supposed to release the balloon. It was touching to hear names of babies of families we knew. As your name was read we released our balloons and mine got stuck in a tree but your dad's soared high into the sky. It was so sad to hear some families had multiple names read. I hope that is never us. Afterwards we sealed a letter from me, a letter from grandma, and a stuffed elephant from your great aunt Melissa. I know you will never physically read that letter but I hope that you know everything that's in it.
I was grateful for the chance to honor you. The rest of the day has been rough. Your dad and I knew we needed to be together. We went and got some food and went to a movie. It was an okay distraction for a while but after the movie I started panicking and I didn't want to go home. I was in a reckless mood. I wanted to do something self destructive. I was in a bad place. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go shopping because we don't have the money to spend. We were a little hungry. Dad got the idea to go to Sonic. That sounded good to me. Then we went to Smith's and got a few things for Sunday tomorrow.
I got home and after a few minutes of talking to dad I broke down into tears. It was good cry. I was at a really low point but crying has been very therapeutic. I feel much better now. At my lowest tonight I didn't have any hope that life would get any better. I couldn't see how I could possibly go on another 60 years like this. At first your dad was down right along with me and agreeing with everything that I was babbling. Eventually though he was able to pull me out of it and comfort me.
This really does suck what we are going through. I hate that we have to go through this. I just miss you so much. I hope at some point our lives progress and we are able to move out of this funk that we are in. I know we will eventually but right now it's hard.
I miss you so much baby girl. I hope you are doing well.
Love,
Mom
Wow, today was really rough. It was just so emotional. In ways it was good. We got to honor you and remember you, which I like doing but it's hard too.
I got a good night's sleep and drank plenty of water. I had a pretty leisurely morning. I took my time getting ready. I practice my song on and off throughout the morning. A little bit before we left I tried out my song for your dad. I couldn't make it through without crying. That worried me a bit. What if I did that when I performed? We made it there in plenty of time. Which was good because it gave me time to get used to the area and do the sound check. The sound check went well. That made me feel a lot better. It was so hot there though and we got there so early so we had to sit in the sun for a while.
We got our shirts that we had ordered, got a program, signed in and waited. Melissa, my mom, JC, and my grandma came to support us. It was good to have them there. We were both having a hard time. We were both very nervous and kind of grumpy. It was nice to see people that we knew there. We had met a few people at the meetings.
The program started and I had to force myself not to really pay attention to the speaker. I think she did a good job. She Mrs. Utah. I knew I was up after her and couldn't afford to get too emotional. I realized it had been a while since I had gone through my song and I started panicking that I would forget the words. Which was stupid because I had practiced so much. I knew the words backwards and forwards. When it was finally my turn I decided to take the music up with me. The woman who introduced us was amazed that I was singing only a few months after our loss.
The song went pretty well. I didn't sing perfectly. There were a couple times I thought I was going to cry but I forced myself to keep singing. So, there were some parts that sounded strained. But, I was happy that I didn't break down and start crying or forget the words so I considered it a victory. I was shaking the whole time. I couldn't look at people. Grandma and Dad were videotaping me but I didn't look at them at all. I just kept scanning the trees right above the crowd. I was shaking so hard I was sure it would pick up on the mic. Everyone said they couldn't tell I was shaking so I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought.
After that I was able to relax more and enjoy the event. The venue was kind of weird because we were at a cemetery. It was beautiful. There was a big lawn, lots of large trees, and a gorgeous fountain. After I sang we all did a walk around the cemetery. At the end we got a pink balloon. The names of the babies were read and as our babies name was ready we were supposed to release the balloon. It was touching to hear names of babies of families we knew. As your name was read we released our balloons and mine got stuck in a tree but your dad's soared high into the sky. It was so sad to hear some families had multiple names read. I hope that is never us. Afterwards we sealed a letter from me, a letter from grandma, and a stuffed elephant from your great aunt Melissa. I know you will never physically read that letter but I hope that you know everything that's in it.
I was grateful for the chance to honor you. The rest of the day has been rough. Your dad and I knew we needed to be together. We went and got some food and went to a movie. It was an okay distraction for a while but after the movie I started panicking and I didn't want to go home. I was in a reckless mood. I wanted to do something self destructive. I was in a bad place. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go shopping because we don't have the money to spend. We were a little hungry. Dad got the idea to go to Sonic. That sounded good to me. Then we went to Smith's and got a few things for Sunday tomorrow.
I got home and after a few minutes of talking to dad I broke down into tears. It was good cry. I was at a really low point but crying has been very therapeutic. I feel much better now. At my lowest tonight I didn't have any hope that life would get any better. I couldn't see how I could possibly go on another 60 years like this. At first your dad was down right along with me and agreeing with everything that I was babbling. Eventually though he was able to pull me out of it and comfort me.
This really does suck what we are going through. I hate that we have to go through this. I just miss you so much. I hope at some point our lives progress and we are able to move out of this funk that we are in. I know we will eventually but right now it's hard.
I miss you so much baby girl. I hope you are doing well.
Love,
Mom
Day 15
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Today we are going to the SHARE walk for remembrance. Much of my family is coming to support us. I have, like an idiot, volunteered to sing. I thought others would volunteer to sing with me. I never imagined i'd be doing a solo, but here I am, singing a solo. I would have much rather had a pianist but I have to use this cheesy karaoke track. I am ready but extremely nervous. I am very grateful for my family for coming to this.
At the event here will also be a name reading, a walk around the grounds, we will release balloons, put notes to Ellie in a vault, and Mrs. Utah is going to speak.
I will post pictures of the even sometime this weekend. In a way i'm really looking forward to it and in a way i'm really dreading it. I hope I don't butcher the song or cry in the middle of it.
Today we are going to the SHARE walk for remembrance. Much of my family is coming to support us. I have, like an idiot, volunteered to sing. I thought others would volunteer to sing with me. I never imagined i'd be doing a solo, but here I am, singing a solo. I would have much rather had a pianist but I have to use this cheesy karaoke track. I am ready but extremely nervous. I am very grateful for my family for coming to this.
At the event here will also be a name reading, a walk around the grounds, we will release balloons, put notes to Ellie in a vault, and Mrs. Utah is going to speak.
I will post pictures of the even sometime this weekend. In a way i'm really looking forward to it and in a way i'm really dreading it. I hope I don't butcher the song or cry in the middle of it.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 14
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Not much yet I guess. We have pictures of her, we plan on doing something special for Christmas, and we will celebrate her birthday. I did finish her baby book, well not quite, but I am going to. I changed some of the pages so instead of milestones I have other mementos from the hospital. I have a drawer in her dresser with a bunch of stuff that is just hers, I won't use it for other babies. When the next baby comes along I will get a nice box or something for that stuff. SHARE did come and do the casts of her hands and feet. I still have that in the nice box they gave us. A friend of mine gave me a beautiful heart shaped box to keep stuff in. I have all the clothes she ever wore (2 outfits). I have her baby book, the two boxes, and her stuffed elephant that will represent her in all our family pictures on her changing table right now.
Not much yet I guess. We have pictures of her, we plan on doing something special for Christmas, and we will celebrate her birthday. I did finish her baby book, well not quite, but I am going to. I changed some of the pages so instead of milestones I have other mementos from the hospital. I have a drawer in her dresser with a bunch of stuff that is just hers, I won't use it for other babies. When the next baby comes along I will get a nice box or something for that stuff. SHARE did come and do the casts of her hands and feet. I still have that in the nice box they gave us. A friend of mine gave me a beautiful heart shaped box to keep stuff in. I have all the clothes she ever wore (2 outfits). I have her baby book, the two boxes, and her stuffed elephant that will represent her in all our family pictures on her changing table right now.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 13
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Yes, and I love it when they do. I had no idea how happy it would make me to hear other people speak her name. I thought it would be hard but it isn't. I have a student this year with the same name and it is still a little hard sometimes. Work has been a great distraction but every time I say her name it still sends a little pang through my heard and reminds me that i'm grieving. I've noticed that it's hard for me to say it but I really like hearing other people say it. It totally validates her existence. Bobby of course says it, and my family sometimes does. I love that my friend Heidi even uses her nickname. I love her nickname and was really looking forward to calling her my little Elliephant.
A couple of weeks ago my friend's 6 year old asked "Where's Ellie"? It totally surprised me. I didn't even know she knew her name. It made me so happy. My friend and I had talked about her but I didn't know she was listening. I was shocked for a second but I was really happy she knew who she was. I hope my future kids also know who she is.
Yes, and I love it when they do. I had no idea how happy it would make me to hear other people speak her name. I thought it would be hard but it isn't. I have a student this year with the same name and it is still a little hard sometimes. Work has been a great distraction but every time I say her name it still sends a little pang through my heard and reminds me that i'm grieving. I've noticed that it's hard for me to say it but I really like hearing other people say it. It totally validates her existence. Bobby of course says it, and my family sometimes does. I love that my friend Heidi even uses her nickname. I love her nickname and was really looking forward to calling her my little Elliephant.
A couple of weeks ago my friend's 6 year old asked "Where's Ellie"? It totally surprised me. I didn't even know she knew her name. It made me so happy. My friend and I had talked about her but I didn't know she was listening. I was shocked for a second but I was really happy she knew who she was. I hope my future kids also know who she is.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Day 12
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
That's a complicated question. I think that it affects them more than I see or more than some of them want to admit. I know my mom cried/cries as much as me. Nobody in my family wanted pictures of her except for my brother. That was a little hard for me. I mean I understand why they don't want pictures of her. They said it's too hard to deal with. It just makes them too sad. And, I guess I see why somebody wouldn't want a picture of a dead baby in their house. It just makes me sad that my family doesn't want her picture. It's hard to explain. I don't want them to feel guilty. I'm just sad that she has to be dead. It's kinda hard seeing my nieces pictures up in my families house knowing that my daughter will never be up there.
I am so amazingly grateful that my family is all coming to support us at the Share walk for remembrance this Saturday. I'm singing and i'm really nervous but i'm so excited that they are going to be there. It made me think that maybe they need to do something to memorialize her too. I think they grieve more than they let on.
Bobby's parents I think were really upset about it. They have only called us once since it happened. I think they just didn't want to talk about it but it's been really hard for us, especially Bobby. They never sent a card or anything. I had family travel from New Mexico for the funeral. My family helped with the burial expenses. His parents have made no effort to help at all. The one exception is his sister. She has talked to us so much more since we lost Ellie than before. She is even paying for most of the headstone. She has been amazing. I will forever be grateful for her.
That's a complicated question. I think that it affects them more than I see or more than some of them want to admit. I know my mom cried/cries as much as me. Nobody in my family wanted pictures of her except for my brother. That was a little hard for me. I mean I understand why they don't want pictures of her. They said it's too hard to deal with. It just makes them too sad. And, I guess I see why somebody wouldn't want a picture of a dead baby in their house. It just makes me sad that my family doesn't want her picture. It's hard to explain. I don't want them to feel guilty. I'm just sad that she has to be dead. It's kinda hard seeing my nieces pictures up in my families house knowing that my daughter will never be up there.
I am so amazingly grateful that my family is all coming to support us at the Share walk for remembrance this Saturday. I'm singing and i'm really nervous but i'm so excited that they are going to be there. It made me think that maybe they need to do something to memorialize her too. I think they grieve more than they let on.
Bobby's parents I think were really upset about it. They have only called us once since it happened. I think they just didn't want to talk about it but it's been really hard for us, especially Bobby. They never sent a card or anything. I had family travel from New Mexico for the funeral. My family helped with the burial expenses. His parents have made no effort to help at all. The one exception is his sister. She has talked to us so much more since we lost Ellie than before. She is even paying for most of the headstone. She has been amazing. I will forever be grateful for her.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
PTC
Ellie,
I've been having a rougher couple of days. I think it's just because i've been so stressed out. Parent Teacher Conferences are this week and it's always an intense, stressful, and busy time. No matter how hard I work and no matter how early I require work to be turned in it seems like i'm always rushing to get report cards done. I'm always worried about meeting with parents too. I wonder what they are going to be like. Are they going to blame me for their child's problems? Are they going to be mean? I want them to know that I do have their child's best interest in mind. I really do want them to succeed.
So, i'm just working on bad food, too little sleep, not enough exercise, and way too much time at work. It's also that time of the month and i've been off my meds for a week and a half now. October is also national remembrance month for infant and baby loss so there has been an influx on blogs and facebook of people remembering their babies. On Saturday SHARE Parents of Utah is having a walk for Remembrance and Hope. Like an idiot I offered to sing. So, I have been working on and stressing out about this song. I am so nervous about singing. What if I screw up in front of all of those people and such an emotional day? They are going to be offended that I sing so horribly and be mad at me for ruining this day. I imagine them throwing rocks and/or tomatoes at me.
So, all of this is building up to a nice depression and two nights in a row of crying. I want parents at conferences and attendees at the walk on Saturday to remember that I have just lost a baby and that I am fragile right now. I almost lost it with my boss this morning. Something I would never usually do, I was just so frustrated. I need to find some way to chill out or i'm going to have a breakdown by the end of the week. Also, your dad had a job interview last week and we are waiting to get word on whether he got it or not. This is so stressful. We really need him to get this job and I have gotten my hopes up because we know somebody in the company who was putting in a good word for him, but the longer I wait the more stressful it becomes.
The good news is that last night I was in a pretty bad funk but I was able to bring myself out of it. I told myself that i'm not really this depressed i'm just stressed out and that is making things worse. That actually made me feel better. I counted that as a victory. I guess I am making progress. Daddy helped me again tonight. Him just holding me helps a lot.
I am so looking forward to a week from now when conferences are over, I will be going off-track the next day, and grandma is coming to visit for a few days!!! I am excited. I miss my mommy too. I'm glad she is going to stay for a few days while grandpa is out of town.
I love you so much baby girl. You and an inspiration to me.
Love,
Mom
I've been having a rougher couple of days. I think it's just because i've been so stressed out. Parent Teacher Conferences are this week and it's always an intense, stressful, and busy time. No matter how hard I work and no matter how early I require work to be turned in it seems like i'm always rushing to get report cards done. I'm always worried about meeting with parents too. I wonder what they are going to be like. Are they going to blame me for their child's problems? Are they going to be mean? I want them to know that I do have their child's best interest in mind. I really do want them to succeed.
So, i'm just working on bad food, too little sleep, not enough exercise, and way too much time at work. It's also that time of the month and i've been off my meds for a week and a half now. October is also national remembrance month for infant and baby loss so there has been an influx on blogs and facebook of people remembering their babies. On Saturday SHARE Parents of Utah is having a walk for Remembrance and Hope. Like an idiot I offered to sing. So, I have been working on and stressing out about this song. I am so nervous about singing. What if I screw up in front of all of those people and such an emotional day? They are going to be offended that I sing so horribly and be mad at me for ruining this day. I imagine them throwing rocks and/or tomatoes at me.
So, all of this is building up to a nice depression and two nights in a row of crying. I want parents at conferences and attendees at the walk on Saturday to remember that I have just lost a baby and that I am fragile right now. I almost lost it with my boss this morning. Something I would never usually do, I was just so frustrated. I need to find some way to chill out or i'm going to have a breakdown by the end of the week. Also, your dad had a job interview last week and we are waiting to get word on whether he got it or not. This is so stressful. We really need him to get this job and I have gotten my hopes up because we know somebody in the company who was putting in a good word for him, but the longer I wait the more stressful it becomes.
The good news is that last night I was in a pretty bad funk but I was able to bring myself out of it. I told myself that i'm not really this depressed i'm just stressed out and that is making things worse. That actually made me feel better. I counted that as a victory. I guess I am making progress. Daddy helped me again tonight. Him just holding me helps a lot.
I am so looking forward to a week from now when conferences are over, I will be going off-track the next day, and grandma is coming to visit for a few days!!! I am excited. I miss my mommy too. I'm glad she is going to stay for a few days while grandpa is out of town.
I love you so much baby girl. You and an inspiration to me.
Love,
Mom
Day 11
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Yes. He cried when we found out she was dead and for the first little while in the hospital but I haven't seen him cry since. I cry all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel weak or stupid. I think he kind of went into management mode in the hospital to take care of business. He also switched over to worrying about me when I got sick in the hospital.
Since then he has taken the role of comforter. He helps me get through my tough times. I see him getting depressed and grumpy sometimes. He has also gets really frustrated really easily. He doesn't like talking about things like her headstone. It gets him really depressed. I guess mostly his grief comes out as anger. Mine does too sometimes I guess but not as much.
Yes. He cried when we found out she was dead and for the first little while in the hospital but I haven't seen him cry since. I cry all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel weak or stupid. I think he kind of went into management mode in the hospital to take care of business. He also switched over to worrying about me when I got sick in the hospital.
Since then he has taken the role of comforter. He helps me get through my tough times. I see him getting depressed and grumpy sometimes. He has also gets really frustrated really easily. He doesn't like talking about things like her headstone. It gets him really depressed. I guess mostly his grief comes out as anger. Mine does too sometimes I guess but not as much.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day 10
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Well, I don't have any other kids. Yet. We are hoping of course to have more children. We always want Ellie to be a part of our conversation. She is one of my children. I want my kids to know her name and consider her their sister. We will celebrate her birthday, she will have a Christmas stocking, and we will visit her resting place.
Well, I don't have any other kids. Yet. We are hoping of course to have more children. We always want Ellie to be a part of our conversation. She is one of my children. I want my kids to know her name and consider her their sister. We will celebrate her birthday, she will have a Christmas stocking, and we will visit her resting place.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Day 9
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Well, I don't have other kids. I do have a cat and I know this sounds weird but I do think the loss has affected her. She can probably just sense our emotions. She has always been closer to Bobby but after Ellie was born she would come and hang out with me a lot. She also likes to go and get on Ellie's stuff.
I think Bobby and I have definitely grown much closer through this experience. The first few months were easier. We were both really sensitive and caring for each other. Now it takes a little more work sometimes. We are still learning how each of us grieves differently and trying to be understanding if one of us is having a bad day.
Well, I don't have other kids. I do have a cat and I know this sounds weird but I do think the loss has affected her. She can probably just sense our emotions. She has always been closer to Bobby but after Ellie was born she would come and hang out with me a lot. She also likes to go and get on Ellie's stuff.
I think Bobby and I have definitely grown much closer through this experience. The first few months were easier. We were both really sensitive and caring for each other. Now it takes a little more work sometimes. We are still learning how each of us grieves differently and trying to be understanding if one of us is having a bad day.
Day 8
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Yes, many more than I used to. It wasn't always like that but it is getting better now. I used to count how many good days I had now I count how many bad days in a row I have. I don't even really have whole bad days that much any more. Now I have bad moments or bad evenings. I've been off my meds all week and i'm finding that yes, i'm sad that I lost my baby. I always will be. But, i'm not depressed about it anymore.
Yes, many more than I used to. It wasn't always like that but it is getting better now. I used to count how many good days I had now I count how many bad days in a row I have. I don't even really have whole bad days that much any more. Now I have bad moments or bad evenings. I've been off my meds all week and i'm finding that yes, i'm sad that I lost my baby. I always will be. But, i'm not depressed about it anymore.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Day 7
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
We have plans. We are going to make her a Christmas stocking for sure. Every year we buy a Christmas ornament to signify the most important thing that happened this year. I think this year we will either get an angel or an elephant. I thought of getting an elephant to put in her stocking every year but that would be a lot elephants.
For her birthday Bobby really wants to take treats up to labor and delivery and the maternity unit at the hospital. They were so amazing to us and he really wants to thank them.
So, we haven't really done much yet. It hasn't been that long though. We don't even have her headstone yet. We have only been to visit her at the cemetery once since she was buried. We are planning on bringing her some flowers in a few weeks.
We have plans. We are going to make her a Christmas stocking for sure. Every year we buy a Christmas ornament to signify the most important thing that happened this year. I think this year we will either get an angel or an elephant. I thought of getting an elephant to put in her stocking every year but that would be a lot elephants.
For her birthday Bobby really wants to take treats up to labor and delivery and the maternity unit at the hospital. They were so amazing to us and he really wants to thank them.
So, we haven't really done much yet. It hasn't been that long though. We don't even have her headstone yet. We have only been to visit her at the cemetery once since she was buried. We are planning on bringing her some flowers in a few weeks.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 6
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Well, I have been fortunate that I haven't really been asked this question. I don't have any other kids so it's kind of easy to see that I don't have any so most people don't ask. I did tell my students this year that I have one daughter but she's in heaven. She is my daughter. I plan to always include her in my list of children.
Well, I have been fortunate that I haven't really been asked this question. I don't have any other kids so it's kind of easy to see that I don't have any so most people don't ask. I did tell my students this year that I have one daughter but she's in heaven. She is my daughter. I plan to always include her in my list of children.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Day 5
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Constantly. Everything reminds me of her. I have pictures of her at home and at work. Every time I see a baby girl or a pregnant woman. Also, her animal was elephants, so anytime I see elephants I think of her.
The flowers on her casket were daisies.
Her birthstone is a pearl and I have a necklace with a heart and a pearl.
It doesn't hurt as bad as it used to to have these constant reminders. Now, i'm singing "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk next week so i'm sure that will remind me of her now too.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Days 1-4
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
I am a 6th grade teacher. I have been married for 8 great years. I like to read and watch movies. I love being near family. I have wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember, and I am.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
I am mother to Ellie Marie. She was born still on June 4th, at 11:31 pm. She was 6 pounds, 18 1/2 inches and absolutely beautiful. We found out the day before that her heart had stopped beating. We may never know why but she is our guardian angel now.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Bobby of course. He always has something logical and comforting to say to me when I am crying and upset. We carry each other. There are a few rare times when we are both having bad days. Those are the days we fight, eat super sized McDonald's, have some chocolate ice cream, then make up. But, usually one of us is able to carry the other.
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
What other choice do I have? No, really. I have thought an easy solution to all of this was to go and be with her but I know that's not an option right now. I do know that I will be with her again someday. I just have to be patient. Wow, I can see how i've come a long way because I didn't used to want to be patient. I do occasionally cycle back to anger but right now i'm in a good place.
I can't even explain how helpful my knowledge of the gospel has been. I don't want to even think about what it would be like if I didn't know that I will be able to be with her again one day. It does seem like a long way off but at least I know it's possible.
I am a 6th grade teacher. I have been married for 8 great years. I like to read and watch movies. I love being near family. I have wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember, and I am.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
I am mother to Ellie Marie. She was born still on June 4th, at 11:31 pm. She was 6 pounds, 18 1/2 inches and absolutely beautiful. We found out the day before that her heart had stopped beating. We may never know why but she is our guardian angel now.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Bobby of course. He always has something logical and comforting to say to me when I am crying and upset. We carry each other. There are a few rare times when we are both having bad days. Those are the days we fight, eat super sized McDonald's, have some chocolate ice cream, then make up. But, usually one of us is able to carry the other.
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
What other choice do I have? No, really. I have thought an easy solution to all of this was to go and be with her but I know that's not an option right now. I do know that I will be with her again someday. I just have to be patient. Wow, I can see how i've come a long way because I didn't used to want to be patient. I do occasionally cycle back to anger but right now i'm in a good place.
I can't even explain how helpful my knowledge of the gospel has been. I don't want to even think about what it would be like if I didn't know that I will be able to be with her again one day. It does seem like a long way off but at least I know it's possible.
31 Day Blog Challenge
October is miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss awareness month.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Crown Without the Conflict
Ellie,
I think things are slowly beginning to get better. Last Tuesday night was rough because of the SHARE meeting. General Conference was a little rough this weekend too. I was hoping to find answers to all of my questions and feel total comfort after all of it. Some talks were really comforting. I love Elder Uchtdorf. His talks always touch me and I feel like he is speaking directly to me. The talk on how to raise your daughters in the gospel was a little difficult. I just don't know how much I can do from here for you. I guess I feel a little helpless.
Your dad had a really rough day in church a couple of Sundays ago. He's been having a rough time anyway. He got frustrated about something a kinda lost it and just walked out in priesthood. He just holds things in so much until he just snaps and explodes. I guess that's a typical guy way to deal with it. He is just like his dad in that way. He also feels like the women of our ward have been amazing but the men haven't done enough to support him. I think he's expecting too much of them. He can't expect them all to be like him. He is extra sensitive and comforting and most men just aren't that way. Especially in our church that's more seen as the women's job. I had hoped he'd get over it but Saturday night he went on another tirade about it.
Your aunt Mary called today. She wants to give us the rest of the money we need to buy your headstone. I am so excited about that. She has been really amazing through all of this. I can tell she really feels for us and you. She really wishes she could have been here and had the chance to see you. I hope she will someday. I have no idea what i'm doing in the shopping for a headstone department. I've never had to do this before. We do already know a special phrase we are going to put on it. We read it in a book and knew it was perfect. "The Crown Without the Conflict".
You are my perfect angel. I have been greatly desiring confirmation that you will be resurrected as my child. Your father says he has received that confirmation but it wasn't enough for me. I needed to know on my own. I think I know now, in my heart, that you are truly my daughter and will always be my daughter. I feel that special bond with you again. I think I was blocking it for a while to save me from the pain of the loss, but I feel you close around me again.
I love you so much. Thanks for watching over us.
Love,
Mom
I think things are slowly beginning to get better. Last Tuesday night was rough because of the SHARE meeting. General Conference was a little rough this weekend too. I was hoping to find answers to all of my questions and feel total comfort after all of it. Some talks were really comforting. I love Elder Uchtdorf. His talks always touch me and I feel like he is speaking directly to me. The talk on how to raise your daughters in the gospel was a little difficult. I just don't know how much I can do from here for you. I guess I feel a little helpless.
Your dad had a really rough day in church a couple of Sundays ago. He's been having a rough time anyway. He got frustrated about something a kinda lost it and just walked out in priesthood. He just holds things in so much until he just snaps and explodes. I guess that's a typical guy way to deal with it. He is just like his dad in that way. He also feels like the women of our ward have been amazing but the men haven't done enough to support him. I think he's expecting too much of them. He can't expect them all to be like him. He is extra sensitive and comforting and most men just aren't that way. Especially in our church that's more seen as the women's job. I had hoped he'd get over it but Saturday night he went on another tirade about it.
Your aunt Mary called today. She wants to give us the rest of the money we need to buy your headstone. I am so excited about that. She has been really amazing through all of this. I can tell she really feels for us and you. She really wishes she could have been here and had the chance to see you. I hope she will someday. I have no idea what i'm doing in the shopping for a headstone department. I've never had to do this before. We do already know a special phrase we are going to put on it. We read it in a book and knew it was perfect. "The Crown Without the Conflict".
You are my perfect angel. I have been greatly desiring confirmation that you will be resurrected as my child. Your father says he has received that confirmation but it wasn't enough for me. I needed to know on my own. I think I know now, in my heart, that you are truly my daughter and will always be my daughter. I feel that special bond with you again. I think I was blocking it for a while to save me from the pain of the loss, but I feel you close around me again.
I love you so much. Thanks for watching over us.
Love,
Mom
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