This week

Ellie,
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom