Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
I just keep thinking about this. How cute you would have looked. In ways our life is getting back to the way it was before but it hurts to think about how different things would be if you were here. I love you so much baby girl.
Love,
Mama
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