Day 29

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?


My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on. 
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection. 
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.