PTC

Ellie,
I've been having a rougher couple of days. I think it's just because i've been so stressed out. Parent Teacher Conferences are this week and it's always an intense, stressful, and busy time. No matter how hard I work and no matter how early I require work to be turned in it seems like i'm always rushing to get report cards done. I'm always worried about meeting with parents too. I wonder what they are going to be like. Are they going to blame me for their child's problems? Are they going to be mean? I want them to know that I do have their child's best interest in mind. I really do want them to succeed.
So, i'm just working on bad food, too little sleep, not enough exercise, and way too much time at work. It's also that time of the month and i've been off my meds for a week and a half now. October is also national remembrance month for infant and baby loss so there has been an influx on blogs and facebook of people remembering their babies. On Saturday SHARE Parents of Utah is having a walk for Remembrance and Hope. Like an idiot I offered to sing. So, I have been working on and stressing out about this song. I am so nervous about singing. What if I screw up in front of all of those people and such an emotional day? They are going to be offended that I sing so horribly and be mad at me for ruining this day. I imagine them throwing rocks and/or tomatoes at me.
So, all of this is building up to a nice depression and two nights in a row of crying. I want parents at conferences and attendees at the walk on Saturday to remember that I have just lost a baby and that I am fragile right now. I almost lost it with my boss this morning. Something I would never usually do, I was just so frustrated. I need to find some way to chill out or i'm going to have a breakdown by the end of the week. Also, your dad had a job interview last week and we are waiting to get word on whether he got it or not. This is so stressful. We really need him to get this job and I have gotten my hopes up because we know somebody in the company who was putting in a good word for him, but the longer I wait the more stressful it becomes.
The good news is that last night I was in a pretty bad funk but I was able to bring myself out of it. I told myself that i'm not really this depressed i'm just stressed out and that is making things worse. That actually made me feel better. I counted that as a victory. I guess I am making progress. Daddy helped me again tonight. Him just holding me helps a lot.
I am so looking forward to a week from now when conferences are over, I will be going off-track the next day, and grandma is coming to visit for a few days!!! I am excited. I miss my mommy too. I'm glad she is going to stay for a few days while grandpa is out of town.
I love you so much baby girl. You and an inspiration to me.
Love,
Mom