There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
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