ready!

Ellie,
I've been feeling guilty about not writing more lately. I used to write every day, and at first that was my goal but i'm finding I need it as much anymore. I talk with you often anyway and I know you are watching over us so I don't feel like I need to tell you everything that happens in our lives. This is still a good outlet though for some feelings that I don't usually express out loud to you, dad, or anyone else.
I still think of you every day, and maybe I always will, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Or maybe it still does but I can handle it better. I'm kind of used to it. I still get stabs of pain through my heart sometimes. Seeing your picture always does it to me but it doesn't make me break down like it used to. No that I never cry anymore. It still happens, just not as often. I feel like in general though, in other parts of life, I cry a lot easier. I can't watch the news much any more because I cry every time somebody dies, and living in the Salt Lake Valley that's pretty much every day.
I am having my ups and downs with Christmas coming up. I love my family and I really love my nieces but sometimes they are just a reminder of what I lost. I really hate that I feel that way. I want to be a good aunt and be as wonderful to them as my aunt was to me. I hope it will get better the more I get to know them.
On Sunday will be the 6 month anniversary of the day you were born. I can't believe it has been half a year already. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like yesterday. 6 months also marks the day when we can start trying to get pregnant again. I have very mixed feelings about this too. Some days I am all gung ho about it and some days I don't think i'm ready. It would be so wonderful to have another baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case the whole time. I was thinking last night about how weird it would be to be pregnant with a baby that wasn't you. Because I don't have you here to hold and feel the difference I'm sure sometimes i'd get confused and feel it was you again. Or maybe i'll start feeling that baby's spirit right away and it will be easy to distinguish the difference. We will see. I don't know if we are ready to start trying now anyway. We need to make sure we are ready.
I love you so much,
Mom