The Holidays

Ellie,
Well, in ways the holidays were pretty rough but in other ways they were easier than I though they would be. I knew they would be hard. I knew it would be hard to be around my nieces. But, things weren't really as bad as I thought they would be.
I did miss you so terribly much. I felt you near quite often. I so wish you could have been there. I had a lot of fun with my nieces. They are so cute it is hard not to love them. I did feel myself being jealous a lot though. It was hard for me when they only wanted mommy and daddy. I want somebody to want me like that. I had a lot of fun playing with them too but sometimes it was hard seeing other people have so much fun with them. I wanted you to be there for your grandparents to love and play with.
There were little ways in which we remembered you. Daddy and I have special ornaments on our tree for you. I was going to get you a stocking but I couldn't find the perfect one so I didn't put up any stockings at all. Uncle Jon and Aunt Kristen had the idea of singing a song to you. The idea was that maybe if you were close by you could hear it. So, we all sang I am a Child of God to you on Christmas Eve. I think that will be a new tradition. Grandma also got you a baby doll. She so wanted to go shopping for you and buy you Christmas presents that she just couldn't resist.
I guess the hardest time for me was the evening of Christmas day and the next day. Dad had to give me a blessing I was so upset. I think the let down from Christmas hit me pretty hard. The future looked so dark to me, I didn't see any hope or anything to look forward too. The blessing helped so much but I'm still pretty down. It's been a rough week. It's been so nice to be with family and I really miss them now that they are all gone home. I love Daddy and it's so nice to be with him but sometimes it's lonely just being the two of us. It was nice having a lot of people around. I feel your loss greatly right now. I feel empty and lonely even when i'm with other people.
I need something to look forward to, something to plan and keep me occupied. My Christmas decorations are down, work is starting but I have nothing to look forward to. I'm worried about going off track in a couple of weeks. It's going to be really hard to be home alone for three weeks. I was telling dad the other day that I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff. He said no, of course, but I think the reason I want to is because I so enjoyed shopping for baby stuff. I loved having something to plan and look forward to. For a little while I at least had grandma's birthday and Christmas to plan and prepare for. I guess dad's birthday is coming up but that's not enough. I will have to think of something.
I'm already thinking about what we are going to do for your birthday. I need something to plan and look forward to. I need it to be a fun day. I don't know i've thought of having a barbeque or going to Lagoon. I will think about it.
I was thinking this morning about how i'm never really going to be better. I'm always going to miss you and there will always be a part of me that will be sad. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and get along with my life. That's kind of a depressing thought but in a way it helps me because I can stop waiting to be better. I'm not sick,  i'm different. I'm just going to have to accept the new me.
I love you so much. Always remember that.
Mom