I am Atlas.
The weight of the sky is on my shoulders.
I must stop it from crushing the world,
from crushing me.
The pressure is unbearable.
I must endure.
How can I endure?
I've become good at forcing tears back inside me.
I must not let them out because if I do I won't be able to hold the sky,
and it will crush me.
I brace myself,
and set in to endure.
The weight, the pain will never go away.
Slowly ... I get used to it.
Eventually I do not notice it so I loosen my grip.
Big mistake.
Now it is worse than before.
Again, it presses on me.
I can hold it, i've done it before.
Force the tears back in.
The cycle starts again.
Except I can hold it a little longer this time before it starts to crush me again, push back.
I am not Atlas, just a woman, with pain pressing on my heart.
I am not a Titan, but
I can do it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The Holidays
Ellie,
Well, in ways the holidays were pretty rough but in other ways they were easier than I though they would be. I knew they would be hard. I knew it would be hard to be around my nieces. But, things weren't really as bad as I thought they would be.
I did miss you so terribly much. I felt you near quite often. I so wish you could have been there. I had a lot of fun with my nieces. They are so cute it is hard not to love them. I did feel myself being jealous a lot though. It was hard for me when they only wanted mommy and daddy. I want somebody to want me like that. I had a lot of fun playing with them too but sometimes it was hard seeing other people have so much fun with them. I wanted you to be there for your grandparents to love and play with.
There were little ways in which we remembered you. Daddy and I have special ornaments on our tree for you. I was going to get you a stocking but I couldn't find the perfect one so I didn't put up any stockings at all. Uncle Jon and Aunt Kristen had the idea of singing a song to you. The idea was that maybe if you were close by you could hear it. So, we all sang I am a Child of God to you on Christmas Eve. I think that will be a new tradition. Grandma also got you a baby doll. She so wanted to go shopping for you and buy you Christmas presents that she just couldn't resist.
I guess the hardest time for me was the evening of Christmas day and the next day. Dad had to give me a blessing I was so upset. I think the let down from Christmas hit me pretty hard. The future looked so dark to me, I didn't see any hope or anything to look forward too. The blessing helped so much but I'm still pretty down. It's been a rough week. It's been so nice to be with family and I really miss them now that they are all gone home. I love Daddy and it's so nice to be with him but sometimes it's lonely just being the two of us. It was nice having a lot of people around. I feel your loss greatly right now. I feel empty and lonely even when i'm with other people.
I need something to look forward to, something to plan and keep me occupied. My Christmas decorations are down, work is starting but I have nothing to look forward to. I'm worried about going off track in a couple of weeks. It's going to be really hard to be home alone for three weeks. I was telling dad the other day that I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff. He said no, of course, but I think the reason I want to is because I so enjoyed shopping for baby stuff. I loved having something to plan and look forward to. For a little while I at least had grandma's birthday and Christmas to plan and prepare for. I guess dad's birthday is coming up but that's not enough. I will have to think of something.
I'm already thinking about what we are going to do for your birthday. I need something to plan and look forward to. I need it to be a fun day. I don't know i've thought of having a barbeque or going to Lagoon. I will think about it.
I was thinking this morning about how i'm never really going to be better. I'm always going to miss you and there will always be a part of me that will be sad. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and get along with my life. That's kind of a depressing thought but in a way it helps me because I can stop waiting to be better. I'm not sick, i'm different. I'm just going to have to accept the new me.
I love you so much. Always remember that.
Mom
Well, in ways the holidays were pretty rough but in other ways they were easier than I though they would be. I knew they would be hard. I knew it would be hard to be around my nieces. But, things weren't really as bad as I thought they would be.
I did miss you so terribly much. I felt you near quite often. I so wish you could have been there. I had a lot of fun with my nieces. They are so cute it is hard not to love them. I did feel myself being jealous a lot though. It was hard for me when they only wanted mommy and daddy. I want somebody to want me like that. I had a lot of fun playing with them too but sometimes it was hard seeing other people have so much fun with them. I wanted you to be there for your grandparents to love and play with.
There were little ways in which we remembered you. Daddy and I have special ornaments on our tree for you. I was going to get you a stocking but I couldn't find the perfect one so I didn't put up any stockings at all. Uncle Jon and Aunt Kristen had the idea of singing a song to you. The idea was that maybe if you were close by you could hear it. So, we all sang I am a Child of God to you on Christmas Eve. I think that will be a new tradition. Grandma also got you a baby doll. She so wanted to go shopping for you and buy you Christmas presents that she just couldn't resist.
I guess the hardest time for me was the evening of Christmas day and the next day. Dad had to give me a blessing I was so upset. I think the let down from Christmas hit me pretty hard. The future looked so dark to me, I didn't see any hope or anything to look forward too. The blessing helped so much but I'm still pretty down. It's been a rough week. It's been so nice to be with family and I really miss them now that they are all gone home. I love Daddy and it's so nice to be with him but sometimes it's lonely just being the two of us. It was nice having a lot of people around. I feel your loss greatly right now. I feel empty and lonely even when i'm with other people.
I need something to look forward to, something to plan and keep me occupied. My Christmas decorations are down, work is starting but I have nothing to look forward to. I'm worried about going off track in a couple of weeks. It's going to be really hard to be home alone for three weeks. I was telling dad the other day that I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff. He said no, of course, but I think the reason I want to is because I so enjoyed shopping for baby stuff. I loved having something to plan and look forward to. For a little while I at least had grandma's birthday and Christmas to plan and prepare for. I guess dad's birthday is coming up but that's not enough. I will have to think of something.
I'm already thinking about what we are going to do for your birthday. I need something to plan and look forward to. I need it to be a fun day. I don't know i've thought of having a barbeque or going to Lagoon. I will think about it.
I was thinking this morning about how i'm never really going to be better. I'm always going to miss you and there will always be a part of me that will be sad. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and get along with my life. That's kind of a depressing thought but in a way it helps me because I can stop waiting to be better. I'm not sick, i'm different. I'm just going to have to accept the new me.
I love you so much. Always remember that.
Mom
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
10 Places on Earth I am Grateful for
Ellie,
Today is one of those days where being at work has made me feel better. I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling yucky. I was down all morning. I really considered not coming in to work today. But, I came, i'm here and it actually lifted me up. I'm enjoying my students today and i'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier.
Grandma's birthday is today and i'm so excited. I get to go and see everyone tonight and I get to give her the present i've been working on for over a month. I am way excited about that. I can't wait to see her reaction. I know she is going to love it. It has been nice to have this to focus on when Christmas gets me down.
I have so many places I like to go and so many more that I would love to go to.
1. San Diego. We have vacationed there so many times as a kid. That is where I went on my honeymoon and we have been back there three times since then. Once with the Adams', once with Melissa's family, and once by ourselves. It's my favorite place in the whole world. I haven't been everywhere but nothing could compare, mostly because I have so many memories there. Every spring it calls to me. I get this desire deep down inside to see the ocean.
2. Yelllowstone. Again, I have been there more times than I can count. It is so amazing.
3. Grandma's house. When I was a kid if I was stressed out I would close my eyes and picture myself there. It is total peace, calm, and joy.
4. I don't know if this is really considered a place on earth but I have to list my bed. I love being in bed and being warm and cozy. It has been that way my whole life but now it's even better now that I have daddy and a kitty to cuddle.
5. Las Cruces. I really do miss it sometimes. Especially during nostalgic times like Christmas. That's where I grew up and met Dad. I really miss the luminarias at Christmas time.
6. The temple. Any temple really but especially Mesa because that was my first one and Albuquerque because that's where we became and eternal family.
7. Cokeville. So many good memories there. We usually spent a month there in the summer and the whole Christmas break.
8. This may seem weird but I have to put in the Cokeville cemetery. You and my grandpa a buried there among more of my family. I don't exactly have great memories from there but it holds a special place in my heart.
9. Disneyland. I've only been there once but it was such an amazing experience. So magical.
10. Anywhere my family is.
Today is one of those days where being at work has made me feel better. I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling yucky. I was down all morning. I really considered not coming in to work today. But, I came, i'm here and it actually lifted me up. I'm enjoying my students today and i'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier.
Grandma's birthday is today and i'm so excited. I get to go and see everyone tonight and I get to give her the present i've been working on for over a month. I am way excited about that. I can't wait to see her reaction. I know she is going to love it. It has been nice to have this to focus on when Christmas gets me down.
I have so many places I like to go and so many more that I would love to go to.
1. San Diego. We have vacationed there so many times as a kid. That is where I went on my honeymoon and we have been back there three times since then. Once with the Adams', once with Melissa's family, and once by ourselves. It's my favorite place in the whole world. I haven't been everywhere but nothing could compare, mostly because I have so many memories there. Every spring it calls to me. I get this desire deep down inside to see the ocean.
2. Yelllowstone. Again, I have been there more times than I can count. It is so amazing.
3. Grandma's house. When I was a kid if I was stressed out I would close my eyes and picture myself there. It is total peace, calm, and joy.
4. I don't know if this is really considered a place on earth but I have to list my bed. I love being in bed and being warm and cozy. It has been that way my whole life but now it's even better now that I have daddy and a kitty to cuddle.
5. Las Cruces. I really do miss it sometimes. Especially during nostalgic times like Christmas. That's where I grew up and met Dad. I really miss the luminarias at Christmas time.
6. The temple. Any temple really but especially Mesa because that was my first one and Albuquerque because that's where we became and eternal family.
7. Cokeville. So many good memories there. We usually spent a month there in the summer and the whole Christmas break.
8. This may seem weird but I have to put in the Cokeville cemetery. You and my grandpa a buried there among more of my family. I don't exactly have great memories from there but it holds a special place in my heart.
9. Disneyland. I've only been there once but it was such an amazing experience. So magical.
10. Anywhere my family is.
10 things about today that I am grateful for.
Ellie, I had a rough night last night. So, once again I feel the need to get on here and think about what i'm grateful for. This topic is a good one. I'm not very grateful for today because of a number of reasons including hating to work all week while my family is all together for Christmas and i'm missing you soooo much. I know those are valid reasons to not be grateful for today but if I just keep thinking of all the things that are upsetting me today and I can make a list 100 long. So, this will be a good exercise for me today. I'm going to find things all day i'm grateful for and see how long I can make this list.
1. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate this morning before coming to work
2. indoor plumbing, I love being able to shower everyday, I was actually thinking that this morning while I was showering
3. my christmas tree with presents under it, last year we were pretty poor and our tree was pretty empty
4. so I guess that brings me to jobs, i'm glad we both have jobs even though I hate getting up early and being apart so much, I feel so blessed that we both have employment right now
5. My students, they drive me crazy sometimes but today they are cute. I know they are just as excited for Christmas as I am.
6. the chocolate people gave me
7. the presents my students brought me
8. I am grateful that I am almost done with my mom's birthday present. It has been in progress for a month and I am so excited to give it to her.
9. Cell phones, so I can keep in touch with my family.
10. I wasn't as crabby today as I was yesterday
11. Daddy wanted to go out to dinner tonight.
12. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate after dinner tonight
13. my cuddly kitty who greeted me when I got home
Well, I was hoping to get more but considering the kind of day I had I think that's pretty good.
1. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate this morning before coming to work
2. indoor plumbing, I love being able to shower everyday, I was actually thinking that this morning while I was showering
3. my christmas tree with presents under it, last year we were pretty poor and our tree was pretty empty
4. so I guess that brings me to jobs, i'm glad we both have jobs even though I hate getting up early and being apart so much, I feel so blessed that we both have employment right now
5. My students, they drive me crazy sometimes but today they are cute. I know they are just as excited for Christmas as I am.
6. the chocolate people gave me
7. the presents my students brought me
8. I am grateful that I am almost done with my mom's birthday present. It has been in progress for a month and I am so excited to give it to her.
9. Cell phones, so I can keep in touch with my family.
10. I wasn't as crabby today as I was yesterday
11. Daddy wanted to go out to dinner tonight.
12. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate after dinner tonight
13. my cuddly kitty who greeted me when I got home
Well, I was hoping to get more but considering the kind of day I had I think that's pretty good.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
10 Things about nature that I am grateful for
Ellie, my heart is heavy today so I feel the need to make myself think of things again that I am grateful for.
1. The smell of rain, but especially in Southern New Mexico. The smell of rain in the desert is the most wonderful smell in the world. I miss it a lot.
2. White Christmas'. I worry that we may not have one this year. I don't want the world to be just dark and dead on Christmas. If I can't have you for Christmas I at least want snow.
3. I love hiking up into a mountain or around a lake and being away from any roads. I love the quiet or not the quiet but the sound of the forest or whatever wilderness i'm in.
4. Stars. I have always loved looking at the stars and wondering at the vastness of space. I love that I get to teach astronomy to my students. I have great memories of going out to the desert to look at the stars with my family.
5. The Ocean. There is something so magical and peaceful about the ocean. I love swimming in and feelings its power. I love gazing at it and watching and hearing its rhythmic motion. I love colors.
6. Sunsets are beautiful anywhere. My two favorite places to watch the sun set are in Las Cruces and on the beach. Las Cruces is open you get to see big beautiful skies with lots of colors.
7. I love watching a flower I have planted begin to grow and bloom.
8. I love Yellowstone. We have been there more times than I can count. It has great memories associated with it. I love the forest, the animals, that canyon, the lake, and all the fascinating geysers. There is no place like it in the world. I like to imagine what the first explorers or the Native Americans thought when they came across that place.
9. Manatees and Platypus'. They are such interesting animals. I know God got a kick out of creating the Duck Billed Platypus. He probably knew that would really screw up our categorizing system. Hmmm a mammal that lays eggs and shoots poisonous quills, good idea.
10. Thick freshly mowed grass. Grass is amazing. It is the only plant that can live through us constantly walking, running, and playing sports on top off.
1. The smell of rain, but especially in Southern New Mexico. The smell of rain in the desert is the most wonderful smell in the world. I miss it a lot.
2. White Christmas'. I worry that we may not have one this year. I don't want the world to be just dark and dead on Christmas. If I can't have you for Christmas I at least want snow.
3. I love hiking up into a mountain or around a lake and being away from any roads. I love the quiet or not the quiet but the sound of the forest or whatever wilderness i'm in.
4. Stars. I have always loved looking at the stars and wondering at the vastness of space. I love that I get to teach astronomy to my students. I have great memories of going out to the desert to look at the stars with my family.
5. The Ocean. There is something so magical and peaceful about the ocean. I love swimming in and feelings its power. I love gazing at it and watching and hearing its rhythmic motion. I love colors.
6. Sunsets are beautiful anywhere. My two favorite places to watch the sun set are in Las Cruces and on the beach. Las Cruces is open you get to see big beautiful skies with lots of colors.
7. I love watching a flower I have planted begin to grow and bloom.
8. I love Yellowstone. We have been there more times than I can count. It has great memories associated with it. I love the forest, the animals, that canyon, the lake, and all the fascinating geysers. There is no place like it in the world. I like to imagine what the first explorers or the Native Americans thought when they came across that place.
9. Manatees and Platypus'. They are such interesting animals. I know God got a kick out of creating the Duck Billed Platypus. He probably knew that would really screw up our categorizing system. Hmmm a mammal that lays eggs and shoots poisonous quills, good idea.
10. Thick freshly mowed grass. Grass is amazing. It is the only plant that can live through us constantly walking, running, and playing sports on top off.
Friday, December 9, 2011
10 Living people I am grateful for
Ellie, it is going to be really hard to narrow this down to 10. There have been so many people that have touched our lives recently. Some of these might be individual people but i'm also going to have to include groups of people.
1. This of course has to be dad.
2. Mom and Dad. I know they would do anything for me and they grieved just as much as we did.
3. All of our family members. There are too many to list individually but I love them all and know that they love us too.
4. Heidi Vawdrey. She was the one who took our pictures in the hospital. She has been my friend ever since. She has created a blog for the mom's that she takes pictures of. They are a great support group. She is a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS)
5. Bishop Jenson. I think since his wife died a few years ago he has been the perfect bishop for us. He knows how grieving works. I will never forget how he drove all the way to Cokeville, WY for your graveside service.
6. Jenny and Derek Maples. They were really there for us in our worst time. They were friends for us in the best way. They spent time with us and always invited us over. They were sensitive to our situation but never pressured us.
7. Our ward was amazing to us.
8. I have to put my coworkers on this list. I had no idea how much they loved me until my boss came with the $700 that they had raised for us. We were totally amazed.
9. Jessica Young and her husband. Jessica is a SHARE board member and she came on a Sunday with her husband to do hand a foot molds for Ellie.
10. The SHARE organization. An amazing support group.
1. This of course has to be dad.
2. Mom and Dad. I know they would do anything for me and they grieved just as much as we did.
3. All of our family members. There are too many to list individually but I love them all and know that they love us too.
4. Heidi Vawdrey. She was the one who took our pictures in the hospital. She has been my friend ever since. She has created a blog for the mom's that she takes pictures of. They are a great support group. She is a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS)
5. Bishop Jenson. I think since his wife died a few years ago he has been the perfect bishop for us. He knows how grieving works. I will never forget how he drove all the way to Cokeville, WY for your graveside service.
6. Jenny and Derek Maples. They were really there for us in our worst time. They were friends for us in the best way. They spent time with us and always invited us over. They were sensitive to our situation but never pressured us.
7. Our ward was amazing to us.
8. I have to put my coworkers on this list. I had no idea how much they loved me until my boss came with the $700 that they had raised for us. We were totally amazed.
9. Jessica Young and her husband. Jessica is a SHARE board member and she came on a Sunday with her husband to do hand a foot molds for Ellie.
10. The SHARE organization. An amazing support group.
Attention all photographers.
This is a link to a post that my good friend Heidi Vawdrey made.
http://angelmamas.blogspot.com/2011/12/recruitment-effort.html
She is the amazing woman who photographed Ellie and us in the hospital. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is in desperate need of photographers. This is the most amazing service you could possibly give to another human being. If you are interested please contact me or NILMDTS http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/.
THANKS!
http://angelmamas.blogspot.com/2011/12/recruitment-effort.html
She is the amazing woman who photographed Ellie and us in the hospital. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is in desperate need of photographers. This is the most amazing service you could possibly give to another human being. If you are interested please contact me or NILMDTS http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/.
THANKS!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
10 material possessions I am grateful for
Ellie, Okay i'm kind of having a hard time with that. I don't really consider myself very materialistic. I think these ideas were created with teenagers in mind.
1. Kindle Fire- The perfect accessory for an avid reader and facebook addict
2. My mommy necklace with a pearl and a heart
3. My phone so I can keep in touch with daddy and other family.
4. My kitchenaid mixer. It was so cute how excited dad was when he could finally afford to buy that for me.
5. My bed. It's not the fanciest but it's my most favorite comfy place.
6. A beautiful Cinderella doll that dad bought for me when we were first married.
7. The wii. It's the best game system ever. We can play together and I have fun working out on the wii fit.
8. Books. I love my kindle but I also love having books. I would love to have an amazing book collection someday.
9. scrapbooks and pictures (now i'm trying to think of what I would save in a fire)
10. All of the baby stuff we bought and my maternity clothes. Being prego was so fun.
1. Kindle Fire- The perfect accessory for an avid reader and facebook addict
2. My mommy necklace with a pearl and a heart
3. My phone so I can keep in touch with daddy and other family.
4. My kitchenaid mixer. It was so cute how excited dad was when he could finally afford to buy that for me.
5. My bed. It's not the fanciest but it's my most favorite comfy place.
6. A beautiful Cinderella doll that dad bought for me when we were first married.
7. The wii. It's the best game system ever. We can play together and I have fun working out on the wii fit.
8. Books. I love my kindle but I also love having books. I would love to have an amazing book collection someday.
9. scrapbooks and pictures (now i'm trying to think of what I would save in a fire)
10. All of the baby stuff we bought and my maternity clothes. Being prego was so fun.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Gratefulness
Ellie,
Today dad and I were reading the 1st presidency message in the Ensign. The topic was about being grateful. We decided that this was perfect for us this month because we want to focus on all the things we do have instead of what we don't have. After the message there was an activity for the youth to do. I though this would be a good activity for me to do this month.
The challenge is to write 100 things that you are grateful for. They break it down in to 10 categories to make it easier. Each day i'm going to write about one of those categories and when I run out of categories i'll make up my own.
So today i'm starting with the category physical abilities:
1. I am grateful that I can carry children. This is an amazing blessing for women and I realize that some women do not have this ability or have lost it. It took us so long to get pregnant with you I was worried I wasn't able to, but now I know I can.
2. I am grateful that I can walk.
3. I am grateful that I can see.
4. I am grateful that I can hear.
5. I am grateful that I can sing.
6. I am grateful that I can taste. I love to eat.
7. I am grateful that I don't have any lifelong diseases.
8. I am grateful that I don't have any physical deformities (as long as you don't count my puny pinkie toenails).
9. I am grateful for the ability to heal quickly. My body went through a lot when you were born and that recovery process was pretty rough but I am grateful that it went well. I have a pretty nasty scar but I am healed and pretty much back to normal other than that.
10. I am grateful for the ability to cry. Would that be considered a physical ability? I have found crying to be very therapeutic. Sometimes I feel much better after I let those tears out.
I love you baby girl.
Good night.
Today dad and I were reading the 1st presidency message in the Ensign. The topic was about being grateful. We decided that this was perfect for us this month because we want to focus on all the things we do have instead of what we don't have. After the message there was an activity for the youth to do. I though this would be a good activity for me to do this month.
The challenge is to write 100 things that you are grateful for. They break it down in to 10 categories to make it easier. Each day i'm going to write about one of those categories and when I run out of categories i'll make up my own.
So today i'm starting with the category physical abilities:
1. I am grateful that I can carry children. This is an amazing blessing for women and I realize that some women do not have this ability or have lost it. It took us so long to get pregnant with you I was worried I wasn't able to, but now I know I can.
2. I am grateful that I can walk.
3. I am grateful that I can see.
4. I am grateful that I can hear.
5. I am grateful that I can sing.
6. I am grateful that I can taste. I love to eat.
7. I am grateful that I don't have any lifelong diseases.
8. I am grateful that I don't have any physical deformities (as long as you don't count my puny pinkie toenails).
9. I am grateful for the ability to heal quickly. My body went through a lot when you were born and that recovery process was pretty rough but I am grateful that it went well. I have a pretty nasty scar but I am healed and pretty much back to normal other than that.
10. I am grateful for the ability to cry. Would that be considered a physical ability? I have found crying to be very therapeutic. Sometimes I feel much better after I let those tears out.
I love you baby girl.
Good night.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Warning! don't read this at work, it will make you cry. And then people will give you funny looks.
~What makes a mother~
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked " What makes a Mother?
And I know I heard Him say
"A Mother has a baby
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?
"Yes, you can,"
He replied,
With confidence in His voice
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say..
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke here hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"
"So you see my dear sweet ones your children are okay
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson's through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!
(Author Unknown)
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked " What makes a Mother?
And I know I heard Him say
"A Mother has a baby
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?
"Yes, you can,"
He replied,
With confidence in His voice
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say..
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke here hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"
"So you see my dear sweet ones your children are okay
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson's through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!
(Author Unknown)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
ready!
Ellie,
I've been feeling guilty about not writing more lately. I used to write every day, and at first that was my goal but i'm finding I need it as much anymore. I talk with you often anyway and I know you are watching over us so I don't feel like I need to tell you everything that happens in our lives. This is still a good outlet though for some feelings that I don't usually express out loud to you, dad, or anyone else.
I still think of you every day, and maybe I always will, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Or maybe it still does but I can handle it better. I'm kind of used to it. I still get stabs of pain through my heart sometimes. Seeing your picture always does it to me but it doesn't make me break down like it used to. No that I never cry anymore. It still happens, just not as often. I feel like in general though, in other parts of life, I cry a lot easier. I can't watch the news much any more because I cry every time somebody dies, and living in the Salt Lake Valley that's pretty much every day.
I am having my ups and downs with Christmas coming up. I love my family and I really love my nieces but sometimes they are just a reminder of what I lost. I really hate that I feel that way. I want to be a good aunt and be as wonderful to them as my aunt was to me. I hope it will get better the more I get to know them.
On Sunday will be the 6 month anniversary of the day you were born. I can't believe it has been half a year already. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like yesterday. 6 months also marks the day when we can start trying to get pregnant again. I have very mixed feelings about this too. Some days I am all gung ho about it and some days I don't think i'm ready. It would be so wonderful to have another baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case the whole time. I was thinking last night about how weird it would be to be pregnant with a baby that wasn't you. Because I don't have you here to hold and feel the difference I'm sure sometimes i'd get confused and feel it was you again. Or maybe i'll start feeling that baby's spirit right away and it will be easy to distinguish the difference. We will see. I don't know if we are ready to start trying now anyway. We need to make sure we are ready.
I love you so much,
Mom
I've been feeling guilty about not writing more lately. I used to write every day, and at first that was my goal but i'm finding I need it as much anymore. I talk with you often anyway and I know you are watching over us so I don't feel like I need to tell you everything that happens in our lives. This is still a good outlet though for some feelings that I don't usually express out loud to you, dad, or anyone else.
I still think of you every day, and maybe I always will, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Or maybe it still does but I can handle it better. I'm kind of used to it. I still get stabs of pain through my heart sometimes. Seeing your picture always does it to me but it doesn't make me break down like it used to. No that I never cry anymore. It still happens, just not as often. I feel like in general though, in other parts of life, I cry a lot easier. I can't watch the news much any more because I cry every time somebody dies, and living in the Salt Lake Valley that's pretty much every day.
I am having my ups and downs with Christmas coming up. I love my family and I really love my nieces but sometimes they are just a reminder of what I lost. I really hate that I feel that way. I want to be a good aunt and be as wonderful to them as my aunt was to me. I hope it will get better the more I get to know them.
On Sunday will be the 6 month anniversary of the day you were born. I can't believe it has been half a year already. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like yesterday. 6 months also marks the day when we can start trying to get pregnant again. I have very mixed feelings about this too. Some days I am all gung ho about it and some days I don't think i'm ready. It would be so wonderful to have another baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case the whole time. I was thinking last night about how weird it would be to be pregnant with a baby that wasn't you. Because I don't have you here to hold and feel the difference I'm sure sometimes i'd get confused and feel it was you again. Or maybe i'll start feeling that baby's spirit right away and it will be easy to distinguish the difference. We will see. I don't know if we are ready to start trying now anyway. We need to make sure we are ready.
I love you so much,
Mom
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