Name

Hi baby girl. Things are going pretty good. I miss you a lot. This month has been pretty crummy with daddy not having a job and everything again. I feel a lot of stress. It's hard dealing with losing you and also dealing with the money stress again. I had a really hard week this week. There was some extra stress at work and I really felt like I was going to break. I didn't think I could take it anymore. It was worse that Dad  was really down too. He hates not having a job. It gets him so depressed. We had a couple bad days but then we were able to come out of it.
I was just feeling like i'm not the person i'm supposed to be. I always get like this when I let my scripture reading and praying lapse. I don't know why I don't recognize that and let myself get so far down that dark path all the time. I should always be improving but I feel like most of the time I just swing back and forth like a pendulum. I guess what's important is that in general that curve is going up, and I guess it is. I do feel like I am more in tune with the spirit than I was a year ago.
Anyway, Dad gave me a blessing yesterday and it really helped. I love it when he gives me a blessing. It always helps both of us. I was told not to worry so much about things of this world like work and money. I think I put too much pressure on myself. I need to keep that eternal perspective. I was also told that I will have children while on this earth. That's always a worry of mine. It seems like everyone else around me is having babies and I wonder if I ever will.
I do feel better now. I miss you but I think I understand why you couldn't stay. I already feel like i've learned and grown so much in the last (almost) 9 months. There were a lot of other difficult things to deal with this month. I got your birth certificate in the mail, I ordered your headstone, and closed the headstone fund at the credit union that was set up for you. It feels sometimes like it will never end. I will always have to deal with painful things associated with you.
I was thinking yesterday about how I feel bad that nobody but dad and I knew your name while we are alive. It was fun to keep your name a secret while I was pregnant but then it makes me sad that nobody knew your name until you were dead. I am rethinking that for the last baby. We are trying to get pregnant again. Which in and of itself is really stressful. I am scared to get pregnant and scared to not get pregnant. I hope you are up there preparing you siblings for life on earth.
I love you honey. I look forward to the day we meet again.
Love,
Mom

Ellie,
I think this all wouldn't be so bad if I had a kid. I wouldn't feel so much pressure to get pregnant right away. I'm not saying it's easier for those who already have kids but I do see how it could distract me and take the pressure off a bit. I jus that the not knowing.
Mom

crummy week

Ellie,
This has been a really crappy week and i'm having a hard time being happy right now. I've been pretty down the last few days and i'm having a difficult time shaking it. I do fine usually but if there is any stress in my life I find it really hard to cope. And, this week has been a cornucopia of stressors. One really big one was dad starting a new job and hating it. Life is crazy because a week ago I was so happy and we really thought that we had things planned out with his work situation. He had a good job, we were going to pay off bills, save money, and he was going to back to school then start a new career. Everything was great, we had a plan. But, we learned a long time ago that we make a plan and God laughs. Don't get me wrong, it's good to make plans and God isn't mean. I just shouldn't be so disappointed or surprised when things don't work out the way we want them to. Grandpa did tell us something kinda cool a couple of weeks ago. He told us that sometimes we have to go down the wrong path and hit the dead end so when we do go down the right path we can do it even if it's hard because we know it's the right path. My problem is that we are hitting too many dead ends and having a hard time finding the right path. The last couple of days i've even found myself doubting whether we should be trying to get pregnant again. My heart just isn't in it right now because things are so messed up with us. Not our relationship, that is great. It will take a lot to mess that up. We have been through so much. I just don't know what we would do know if we had a baby. How would we survive? I know I can't wait for everything to be perfect because it never will be but I want to at least feel prepare and have some plan for the future. I really want dad to go back to school but I don't know how we are going to pay for that. I am praying so hard that he will be able to find another job very soon because if he doesn't it might drive both of us completely crazy. Maybe that's the big problem. We've both been having a down time lately and it's dangerous when we are both down. Usually one of us is up and is able to help the other. Grr, how did things get so messed up?
I have to go back to work on Monday and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've had three weeks off and usually I am ready to go back but this time i'm afraid that stress will put me over the edge and i'm going to lose it on a co-worker, or worse, a student. I need to be able to go to work and forget about home life for a while. Who knows, maybe it will help.
I really don't want to go to church tomorrow but I will because I know that's probably what I need most right now. I just have such a hard time with fast and testimony meetings. There's always at least 1 baby blessing (last month there were three!) and the worst part is the family has to get up afterwards and talk about how happy they are that they have this new baby in their family. Last month we had to get up and walk out of sacrament meeting. I guess I will see how I am feeling tomorrow.
Things will get better. They always do. These times always seem so horrible when we are in them but I have to remember that we've had a lot of tough times and we've always pulled through. And, I think we really are stronger for them. I just get down sometimes and think that other people have so much easier lives. It's not even that. I guess I just feel sometimes like I can never catch a break. I've payed my dues now it's time for things to start getting better. This is when I need to sit down and consciously start counting my blessings. Maybe I will do that tomorrow before church to get me in the right mood.
I love you so much honey. I miss you a lot and hope you are doing well.

Love,
Mom

rough week

Ellie,

It's weird. I can be going along for a while and be just fine. Then all of a sudden something will happen and it will mean more than one rough day. This is my last week off track and I knew that it was time to call and order your headstone. I've been meaning to do that but i've been putting it off. I knew it would be difficult but I didn't think it would be that hard. It affected me for days. I don't like thinking about that. It's hard to decide how to mark your final resting place. I want it to be just perfect. I barely made it through the phone call. Then I broke down afterwards. I called grandma afterwards. I told her I had just ordered your headstone and it was hard. She told grandpa and he had to get on the phone and tell me that it was okay for the headstone to be hard because that's better than it being soft. He is so silly. He is good about adding humor to a difficult situation to release some of the tension. 

Things are a little better now. It's just been a stressful week. Dad started a new job. It's good because he'll be making more money but it's ultra stressful. He also had a friend pass away out of the blue. I think that affected him more than he let on. We are doing better with the approaching weekend. It's weird, usually when it's time for me to go back to work after an off-track I am so bored i'm ready to go back. There has not been one time this off-track time that I have been bored and wanted to go back to work. I don't even want to go in tomorrow but I have to because i'm getting a new student. 

There hasn't been much success yet in getting you a little sibling. We are trying though. It's stressful though and I don't want it to be stressful. I also know that it will be more successful if i'm not stressed. I'm trying to find a balance between planning and charting when I ovulate and not being to rigid and stressed about it. I think i'm just going to have to put it in the power of God anyway. I know that He has His own time schedule and there's not much I can do about it anyway. I guess it will happen when it's supposed to. I'm just trying to help it along. 

I miss you so much. I hat that you can't be her with us. I love you so much.

Mom