Normal?

Ellie,
Well, things are kind of getting back to normal and it's kind of freaking me out. I didn't know that I could get this close to normal again. There will always be things that are different but for the most part things are back to the way they were. In ways i'm glad that things are back to normal because it's been kind of rough and crazy but I hate that we are back to the same old. I'm getting a little anxious. I don't know what to do. I'm bored. I wish things were different. I feel that weight pressing on my chest again. I need to keep myself occupied or i'm going to go crazy.
The other day I put in the request for time off for your birthday. I don't know what we are going to do yet but I do know that I can't be at work. It was harder on me than I thought it would be to submit that form. I hate that I have to do that. It hits me at the weirdest times. We went to an Eagle Court of Honor today and I really missed you. i don't know why it hit me so hard.  Maybe you were close by.
I'm fine, i'm just having a down time. It really has been a good day and really i've been doing pretty good lately. I just get these minor panic attacks sometimes. I guess i'm still feeling the letdown from Christmas. Things are getting back to normal after Christmas and it's just hitting me hard. I'm ready for my life to progress now. I'm ready to move on. I love that i've had 8 1/2 years to be married and work on our relationship but we are ready to expand our family now. We're ready to move on, and we will, I know we will but I just want it to be now.
Anyways, i'm rambling now. I just miss you so much. I love you so much honey. I love talking to you I just wish you could talk back. Miss you always.
Mom