Church today

Ellie,
I made it to church and I made it all the way through and i'm glad I did. Sacrament meeting was boring. I had a hard time concentrating. Sunday school was okay but it wasn't what I was looking for. Relief Society was okay, even with all of the babies I hadn't really cried yet but I hadn't found what I was looking for.
It was the lesson in Relief Society that really touched me. The lesson was on the talk by Elder Oaks in the last General Conference. http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/teachings-of-jesus?lang=eng  The topic was on the Teachings of Jesus. I knew almost immediately that this is what I needed today. It used to be that I had a great relationship with Jesus. That was the strongest part of my testimony. What happened? It's not that I don't have a testimony or that I don't have a testimony of Christ it's just that I don't feel as close to him as I used to. So, here's my question. How do I develop a better relationship with Christ? Where have I gone wrong? Is there something I'm doing wrong? What do I change? I can pray more, read scriptures more, I don't know what else. I'm going to work on it though.  I think that's where i'll focus my study for a while. I'll keep you posted on how things go. I'm glad I did end up going to church today though.
Mom

Sundays

Ellie,
Grrr, why do I get so anxious on Sundays? I don't know if I can hold it together. I've been having a hard time wanting to go today. I've decided to not go and changed my mind about a dozen times. I know i'll end up going because the days I really don't want to go are the days I end up needing it the most. It's just that it seems to be like that every week and it's not getting better. What can I do?
Mom

Thinking of you

Ellie,
I've been think about you a lot today. It's hard because life is moving on and i'm forgetting you. I'm forget ting the feeling of what it was like to expect to be a mother. I feel like we're leaving you behind. We are hoping to get pregnant again and that always seemed so natural. Of course we would try to get pregnant again. I'm starting to understand why some people feel like they are dishonoring their angel children when the have another one. You aren't here anymore to be a part of our lives and we have to get on without you.
I have been off of work this week and I was really worried because last time  I was off-track it was pretty difficult for me. But things have gone pretty well. I have been able to relax most of the time without forcing myself to do projects to distract myself. I still miss you terribly. Friday I had a bit of a rough morning. We are making plans for the future and we are just in such a different place than I ever thought we would be right now. I have a career but dad doesn't and we don't have any kids. Dad is talking about going back to school and I just feel like we are moving backwards instead of progressing. I guess sometimes you need to do that though. Things will get better. I have to believe that. It is nice with dad at least have temporary job. It takes some of the money burden off.
I love you so much. I hope I never forget you.
Love,
Mom

New post

I have created a new blog. It's kind of a combination of me losing weight and us trying for our rainbow baby. Feel free to check it out. 
http://sharonsrainbow.blogspot.com/

Normal?

Ellie,
Well, things are kind of getting back to normal and it's kind of freaking me out. I didn't know that I could get this close to normal again. There will always be things that are different but for the most part things are back to the way they were. In ways i'm glad that things are back to normal because it's been kind of rough and crazy but I hate that we are back to the same old. I'm getting a little anxious. I don't know what to do. I'm bored. I wish things were different. I feel that weight pressing on my chest again. I need to keep myself occupied or i'm going to go crazy.
The other day I put in the request for time off for your birthday. I don't know what we are going to do yet but I do know that I can't be at work. It was harder on me than I thought it would be to submit that form. I hate that I have to do that. It hits me at the weirdest times. We went to an Eagle Court of Honor today and I really missed you. i don't know why it hit me so hard.  Maybe you were close by.
I'm fine, i'm just having a down time. It really has been a good day and really i've been doing pretty good lately. I just get these minor panic attacks sometimes. I guess i'm still feeling the letdown from Christmas. Things are getting back to normal after Christmas and it's just hitting me hard. I'm ready for my life to progress now. I'm ready to move on. I love that i've had 8 1/2 years to be married and work on our relationship but we are ready to expand our family now. We're ready to move on, and we will, I know we will but I just want it to be now.
Anyways, i'm rambling now. I just miss you so much. I love you so much honey. I love talking to you I just wish you could talk back. Miss you always.
Mom