emotional capacity

Ellie,

A year ago if I had watched a TV show where a baby died it would have been sad. I most likely would have teared up a little bit. Tonight when that happened I completely lost it. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with that at all. It's not just that though. I have a really hard time dealing with any emotions. All of them are extra strong. No matter if it's happy, sad, mad, or anxious. I feel like a Vulcan losing control of my emotions (can you tell i've been watching Star Trek?). I feel like i'm losing sense of who I am. I've lost my reserves of control. I sometimes feel my reserves filling up and I get stronger and other times my emotions are right on the surface.

I still have a hard time going to church, or any church activities. I often feel like I don't fit in. I don't have a group that I belong to. I don't fit in with the newlyweds or with the families. I have a hard time sitting there with nothing to say while people talk about their kids. If I do bring you up people are polite but it's always awkward. I still go because my faith hasn't changed. It's just hard sometimes. I wish I could be in a ward full of people in my situation. I guess that would defeat part of the purpose of a ward. It's like a family. We are all at different stages in our lives with different experiences and we are there to help each other through our trials. Each person brings something different to the ward based on what they have been through and what they are dealing with. Maybe I should start looking at it that way and think about what I am bringing to the ward based on my experiences. I shouldn't be ashamed to talk about you or feel awkward about it. Maybe someone can benefit from my experiences and what I have learned from them. 

I love you very much little girl. I don't know if you're really little. For all I know you soul could be way older than mine, but you will always be our little girl and i'll always be your mother. 

Love,

Mom

thinking

Ellie,
I usually have trouble getting to sleep. One of my favorite things to do while I am falling asleep is daydream. I used to dream about what it would be like when I had a baby. It was especially fun when I was pregnant. It was real and full of possibilities. I had so much fun picturing you, what you would be like, and what it would be like to have you. I've been having a hard time falling asleep since I lost you because it has been too painful to think about the future. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. More often now I watch TV or read until I fall asleep. Last night I allowed myself to imagine the future. I started slow and tested the waters. I was surprised to find that it wasn't as painful anymore. I'm sure all days won't be like that but I was happy to have that pleasant daydreaming time.
I really look forward to having another baby. I am excited to be trying right now. It was very emotional for me when my period started last week and i'm sure it's going to be hard every time but i'm excited too. It hit me all of a sudden that if I do have another baby it won't be you. I always knew that, but it really hit me last night. No matter what I do I will not have you in this life. Yes, I will have other babies but it will not be you. You will always be a missing piece from our lives. That is a little overwhelming to think that no matter what I do or how long I live there will always be something missing from my life. I can do things to include you and honor your memory but it won't ever be the same as having you here.
I don't want you to be a continual sad part of our life. I will include you in major events and try to make them happy moments, not sad moments. After all you are our daughter and we are your parents. Whether you are here or not you are a part of our family.
I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.
Mom