Thanksgiving

Ellie,

Thanksgiving was such a great time. It was so wonderful to be with family and eat lots of good food. I wasn't prego this year so I didn't throw up my pecan pie:) We actually ended up having 3 thanksgiving dinners. One, at grandma and grandpa's, on with our friends on Saturday, and one with just us on Sunday so we could have leftovers. 

I was really excited to see all of my family for the long weekend but I was having a bit of a hard time when we were on our way to leave. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I was thinking about how I should have been packing a bunch of baby stuff. We had been on the road for about 10 minutes when I looked back in the rearview mirror wishing I could see a baby car seat in the back and wishing you were with us. I saw the snowflake in our rear windshield that we got at the SHARE walk last month. I suddenly got the distinct impression that you were there with us. It was like you were saying to me "I am here". There were a couple of other moments like that where I felt you especially near. It was very special.

You know it's stupid because if somebody had told me 6 months ago that they felt the presence of their dead child I would have scoffed. I am not really a believer in that kind of thing. I thought people felt that only because they wanted to and it wasn't really real. It's amazing how I have become a believer. I can definitely tell the difference between feeling you close just because i'm thinking about you and those sudden inexplicable moments when I feel you near. 

I love you very much. I am glad that you have been able to spend some of the special family time with us this Thanksgiving. I hope we get to have you near for Christmas. 

Love, 

Mom

Thanksgiving

Ellie,
I am so excited for Thanksgiving. For some reason i'm just not dreading it like I am Christmas. I am so looking forward to a few days off of work, time with family, and lots of good food. I think it also helps that I got a bonus today. Having a little bit of money for once is really nice. Daddy and I are buying ourselves presents today. They aren't early Christmas presents, because we still want good Christmas presents, they are out baby died presents. We just need something wholly materialistic to make ourselves feel better. I know it's silly but it's so nice not to be so stressed about the money right now. Don't worry we are being responsible. We are paying off bills and we got the car fixed. I am so glad we had the money to do that. I don't know what we would have done if dad hadn't gotten that job.
I am so excited to get our vacation started. Dad and I are having a party tonight while we put up the Christmas tree. We aren't going to decorate it yet, we just want to have it up and ready so  when we get back it will be ready to decorate. Then, tomorrow morning we are heading to Rexburg. It will be nice to be with family and not want to puke up all that food. I had morning sickness so bad last year.
I will of course be nostalgic and missing you. It would have been fun to be planning on bringing you up for Thanksgiving.
I love you and miss you always.
Love,
Mom

Christmas

Ellie,
I am so conflicted. There are days when i'm really excited for Christmas and days that I just wish it was over. I have always loved Christmas. I am the type that decorates and starts listening to Christmas music too early. Sometimes it drives your dad crazy. This year though i'm not really looking forward to it. I was so looking forward to having a 6 month old baby this Christmas. That would have been so fun. It is going to be so hard without you here. Some days I just want to ignore it not even decorate for it or anything. So cut, to me having half opened boxes of Christmas boxes out. My place is a mess because I can't decide if I want to get the Christmas stuff out or not.
There are many ways we have thought of to honor you at Christmas time. We have special ornaments for you and i'm going to make you a special stocking. We've talked about getting a card off the angel tree every year for a child your age or donating the money we would have spent on your Christmas present. But, when it comes down to it I just wish I could have you here to buy presents for and play with. Nothing else will be good enough to replace that. Grrr, I just hate it so much.
The other day your dad said that all he wanted for Christmas was to see you. It nearly broke my heart. Sometimes I forget that he is just as sad as I am.
Oh how I wish you were here. Things would be so different. I love you so much.
Mom

Trying to be Thankful

Ellie,
I know I've been really inconsistent with thins thankfulness thing but I really need it right now. I'm having a really rough time right now but I don't want to just write to you when i'm upset or down. So, this may be a struggle but i'm going to try to be thankful right now.
I know I said I wasn't going to talk about the obvious stuff but I have to tell you how grateful I am for your dad. I wish you could know him like I do. You would have loved him so much. He's so good with kids. He says kids and animals like him because he's obviously doesn't look threatening. I know this isn't typical but I've never really believed in soul mates. Then I met your dad. It didn't happen instantly but I am convinced now that we are perfect for each other. There is nobody else that we would work with better or as well. We fit together perfectly.
I could not have gotten through the last five months without him. He is my rock. He never makes me feel bad for crying. He supports me and comforts me. He grieves with me and loves me. I miss him when i'm not with him. I am only truly happy when he is around. I don't know what i'd do if I ever lost him.
He was so excited for you to come. I am so sad that he had to go through this loss too but I am glad that we are going through it together. It is nice to have each other because we know exactly how each other feels. We are the only ones in the whole world who can perfectly understand each other.
I love him so much. We are a family. Not a very traditional family but a family still the same. I love you sweetie.
Mom

Dreams

Ellie,
I wish we could control what we dream. Other people are dreaming about their babies all grown up or people in my family are dreaming about our future babies. Even dad had a dream last night about us having a little boy. Why can't I have dreams like that? No, I dream about babies dying, or getting lost, or getting kidnapped. What is wrong with me that I can't have good dreams. I feel like i'm not as strong as other people. I feel like other moms can move on and have peace faster than I can. Am I not faithful enough? I don't know if their dreams are prophetic or not but I would love to have a dream about what you look like or about having future children. Why am I stuck in the 'why' and 'what if'? I hate my dreams. I wake up exhausted and depressed. What is wrong with me?
Mom

Thankfulness

Ellie,
I know it's been a few days so i'm going to write about a few things that I have been thankful for this week.
I am thankful for friends and support groups. There are a couple of groups that i've met with in person and online since we lost you. It ways it's really nice to have people to talk to who have been through what we have been. Sometimes it makes it harder knowing all the things that can go wrong and knowing about all the pain out there in the world. Mostly though it's nice to have that support.

I am also thankful this Veteran's Day for those who serve our country in the military service. I've never been really close to anybody in the service. I don't have any immediate family that has served so I can't really say what it's like to have someone i'm close to serving. But, I do feel for those that have loved ones gone a lot for the military. I can't imagine what it's like to be worrying about a loved one overseas. I really respect what they are doing. They are better people than I am. I don't know if I could do that.

I am also thankful for our working car. It needs a little work every now and then but all vehicles do. It has mostly been normal wear and tear kind of stuff. Our last car was such a piece of crap. Everything kept dying on it. It was something big every month it seemed like. The car is in the shop right now and it's a little rough sometimes only having one car, but I am very grateful for it.

I love you so much Ellie,
Mom

Day 6 of Being Thankful

Ellie,
I would have written last night but dad and I were watching TV shows on my laptop. The time changed yesterday so I was really tired afterwards. Sorry, I know just more excuses.
Yesterday I was grateful for church. I actually skipped church yesterday. I hardly ever do that without a good reason. It was fast Sunday and I just didn't think I could stand being there for testimonies. There is also always the possibility that there will be a baby blessing on fast Sundays and I knew I couldn't handle that.
Going to church has been a great blessing for me though. Shortly after you died I was released from my calling as the primary chorister and I was able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. That was a great blessing for me. I really needed my cup to be filled at that time. Last Sunday I was called in to receive another calling. I was worried about what it might be. I didn't want anything that would take me away from Sunday School and Relief Society. I really thought Relief Society chorister would be the best calling for me. I was really hoping that's what it would be. As always Heavenly Father surprised me. I got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher in Sunday School. I knew immediately that this was the perfect calling for me. It would enable me to still attend my classes and get me to study the gospel more in depth.  My first lesson is this week but I only teach once a month. I am planning on studying all the lessons thoroughly though so I can be better prepared for class.
I don't know how I would have gotten through all of this without the knowledge of the gospel. There have been times when my testimony has been extra strong and i've felt the spirit very strong. But there have also been times when my anger at God has gotten the best of me and I don't feel close to the spirit anymore. In the end though I know what is right and what is true. I don't always have the faith that I should have but I at least hope for faith.
I love you sweetheart. I can't wait to see you again.
love,
mom

Day 5 of Being Thankful

Ellie,
Today I am thankful for snow. We got the first good snow of the season today. I don't know maybe many people in Utah don't like the snow but I still do. Maybe it's because I grew up in New Mexico and this is on my 4th year here. We always went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas in Wyoming so there was always a lot of snow. That was my favorite place ever. I loved Christmas in Cokeville. There is something still so magical about snow. The theme or symbol this year for the Share Walk for Remembrance had something to do with snowflakes. The shirts have a snowflake on them and say "Each new life, no matter how fragile or brief, forever changes the world".
I love you so much sweetie. Your life was very fragile and very brief but has forever changed us.
Love,
Mom

Yesterday-Day 4

Ellie,
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I had a rough day and didn't really feel like writing last night about what I am grateful for. I guess I should have. It's like that that I really need to write. So i'm writing now for yesterday.
I am grateful for movies. We was a lot of movies this summer. I don't even want to think of the amount of money we spent on movies. We have always loved going to movies but after you died we really needed to get out of the house and distract ourselves. So, we saw a lot of movies this summer. I'm sure I will start to associate some movies with this crappy year. Movies are a good escape though. It's the same reason I like to read but in a nice condensed way.
Love ya,
Mom

Day 3 of being thankful

Ellie,
Today I am thankful for my family. I've been having a hard time with dad being at work all day and me being home alone all the time. Today aunt melissa and my grandma came to take me shopping and take me out to lunch. It was really good to get out of the house and spend time with them. I had a lot of fun. This afternoon my dad called too. He could only talk for a few minutes but it was really good to hear from him. My family has been really great through all of this. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without them.
Goodnight Ellie.
Love,
Mom

Day 2 of Being Thankful

Ellie,
Today I am grateful for food. I have never really been in want of food. There have been times in my life when i've really poor but i've never really been desperately hungry. There have been times when I had to eat boring cheap stuff but i've always been able to eat. I've always enjoyed eating, obviously. I am grateful that I have never wanted for food. I've never been a great fan of cooking. I love baking yummy things but I don't really like making dinner. Recently however i've learned to love cooking dinner. I think it's because i've researched so yummy, new, easy dinners. That is key. If I get bored cooking the same thing over and over I won't do it. If it's too hard or to weird I won't do it. I'm not very experimental with food. I don't really like too exotic food. I wouldn't say i'm picky but I know what I like and I don't see a reason to mess with a good thing.
Mom

Day 1 of Being Thankful

Ellie,
There are so many things i'm grateful for today. I can't decide what to write about. I think today i'm going to chose books. I love to read. I have always since I was a little kid. Since I was the oldest kid my mom was able to teach me to read at a young age. I wasn't ever the best student but I always excelled in reading and language arts. I enjoyed it because it was one thing that I was good at.
I love the adventures I get to go on. I love the characters I get to know. I get so involved in books that I often laugh out loud when i'm reading. I cry at the sad parts. I love a good story. I love watching movies too but nothing beats a good book. I love it when I have a book that is so good I have to carry it around with me everywhere so if I even have 30 seconds of spare time I can read. I hope that we will still have books in the afterlife so that I can share some of my favorites with you.
I would love to be a writer someday but we will see. I'm working on it. I have a goal to write a little every day. Even if it's just writing to you our blogging.
Love ya Ellie,
Mom

Timshel

In Hebrew, Timshel means "thou mayest".

30 Days of being thankful

I have so enjoyed having something specific to write about this last month. I am challenging myself this month to write everyday about something that I am grateful. I have a list of things that I am of course always grateful for but I want it to be more meaningful. So, i'm going to post at the end of the day about something I am grateful for that is specific for that day. So, look for my first post tonight.