Ellie,
I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've written. So much has happened but so little has changed. Mostly I'm doing good. We're struggling with infertility and it really sucks. We're working with the doctor and trying some new things now that I hope will help.
We had to put our cat down in December and that was really hard for us. She'd been with us pretty much our whole marriage and was a great comfort to us through our grief. We've adopted two middle aged male cats. I've always thought it was odd that people treat their pets like children and I never felt that way with Tiger Lilly but with Hades and Linus it's different. For some reason my relationship with them is more mother-like. It's kind of weird. Maybe I just need someone to be a mommy to and I need to be needed.
Today I had a strange experience. I've been doing pretty good lately but all of a sudden grief just hit me hard. I was at the store and I saw a little white infant dress and a little white infant suit. My first reaction was astonishment that they would so proudly display infant burial clothes. I soon realized that they weren't burial outfits they were blessing outfits. We buried you in your blessing outfit. I hand made it with leftover material from my wedding dress. A whole new list of regrets popped into my head , some I hadn't thought about before.
I regret that your daddy never got to bless you. Instead he dedicated your grave.
I regret I never saw you in that dress and that I don't have any pictures of you in it.
I regret that I didn't put you in the dress. I just gave it to the funeral home to dress you in. I hope they actually did it. I never even checked.
I regret that I asked for the casket to be sealed so I wouldn't have to see you.
I regret that if I have another girl i'll have to make another dress. I don't think i'll be able to do it.
I stood there like an idiot staring at the dress as these stupid thoughts ran through my head. I ran right out of the store and bawled in the car. It's been a while since I've lost it like that. I left and went to another store. It was a while before I was able to compose myself enough to go in.
I'm glad I sat down and wrote this out. It helps. It really does.
Love you forever.
