Ellie,
The past four months have been very good for us. It feels like the longest healing period of time we have had yet. I feel like I am finally becoming myself again. There are still bad days and weeks of course but I feel like right now I am in the best place I have been since we lost you. Dad and I have decided to be more active in SHARE. It was a difficult decision to make but it has been very helpful for us. It breaks my heart to see the other parents whose losses are fresher than ours. It brings back so many horrible memories. But, it helps me to think that maybe I am able to help them get through their loss. It also helps me to see how far I've come.
I'm not saying the last 4 months have been perfect. We've had our share of problems. Still no baby. We are finally trying again. We waited quite a while after the miscarriage. Every period breaks my heart. We are having fun trying though:) We've had family problems (especially recently) that has been very rough and emotional, but we are getting through it. Don't worry about Dad and I. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.
We are also very nervous about the next 4-5 weeks. We know it is going to be rough. Mother's day is on Sunday and i'm just going to try to focus on my mother and how much I love her instead of on how much I want to have you here with me. For memorial day we will go visit your grave. We haven't seen it since last year at this time. I hope it's still okay. I love that you are next to my grandpa but I wish you were a bit closer to home. It's just not as easy to get up there often. Then comes your birthday. It was good last year to celebrate by taking cupcakes to the nurses at the hospital. We will do the same again this year. Finally our rough month will end with Father's day. The anniversary of the miscarriage passed this week but we were so busy with family drama that we didn't really notice it much. That my have been a blessing in disguise.
I'm learning things all the time about this healing process. Life after your loss is different. I was talking to your grandpa about this tonight. Life will never go back to being the same. Even this last week that we spent with my family there was always the thought of you in the back of our mind and instead of joy it brought pain. The sun doesn't shine quite as bright and there is a little less joy. I can feel happiness and joy but I will always miss you. It never gets better, it just gets easier to bear.
I love you so much. I yearn for the day when I can hold you and you close to me forever, never to be parted again. This life is such a short time. I feel comfort in the fact that we will have an eternity together. I also feel so blessed to have an angel for a daughter. You are my strength.
Love,
Mom
