Ellie,
I hate saying goodbye. It's so final. It leaves me with no hope. Many years ago before dad and I were together we were just acquaintances. He told me he was moving to another state and I was sad. He told me that it wasn't really goodbye it was just see you later. Little did I know that would be very true for us. Things didn't work out as he planned and not too long after, he moved back. That is when we started spending more time together and started dating. I wish all goodbyes could really be see you laters.
Today I said goodbye to another class of students. I didn't think it would be that hard. I love my students but I am excited for them to progress and move on to middle school. It is natural for them and they are ready. I told them that it wasn't goodbye it was just see you later but I know for some of them that is not true. Some will come to see me again but some will move, some won't visit, and some will fall away. My mantle of protection over them has passed but I will always wonder about them.
Tonight I had a bad reaction to our cat spending so much time with your dad and never really caring about me. Dad was pretty baffled at why I was making such a big deal about it and to be honest I didn't really know why. It has always kind of bugged me that she seems to like him so much more but honestly she's just a cat. As i'm lying in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about it. What I want most out of life is to be a mom. I want that bond with a child. There is nothing like it. I want to be the one my child runs to when they are hurt or upset. I want to be the one a child comes to for ultimate peace and comfort. With my students I had a small part of that. I wasn't their mom but I was a good substitute while they were at school. They would come to me for comfort when they were injured physically or emotionally. I would hear their problems about peers, school, and family. Breaking that bond with them at the end of this year was harder than it has been in years past.
Saying goodbye to you last year was hard because I know that really it is see you later but it's a long see you later. I don't know when i'll see you again and wanted to see you soon means wanting my life to be over soon and that seems like such an unnatural desire. And while I do feel that we have that mother-child bond I feel like it's so muted. There is such thick veil between us that I don't always feel the connection. And more often than not I feel like you are the mother and I am the child. I feel like I come to you for peace, comfort, knowledge, and reassurance. I feel like you are a much more mature spiritual being than I am. I feel like I have so much to learn from you. I am so blessed and grateful to be your mom I just wish we could have a really mother-daughter relationship. I miss that.
I know it's been a while since i've written and i'm sorry about that. The miscarriage last month got me pretty down and I didn't feel like doing anything therapeutic like this because I was so angry and I didn't want you or anyone else to see the extent of that anger. I do feel like the anger has ebbed and I could benefit from writing again. I will try to update you on some of the things I have been feeling the last couple of months. They have been rough and it will be rough to talk about but I think I need to work them out. Here I go using you as my therapist again:)
I love you sweetheart.
Love,
Mom
