Ellie,
The Holidays. Usually my favorite time of year, and I guess it still is but it's not as glorious as it used to be. It is a lot better than it was last year. Last year I just wanted to skip the whole thing. I missed you so much through the time that it was just so bitter sweet. This year things are going a lot better. Overall i'm much happier. I guess it's harder for me to imagine what it would be like to have your around. Every now and then though I despair that you aren't here or that I don't have any children here. We have these traditions that we've created the last 9 years and even new ones we've started. I keep thinking that they would be so much more fun if I had kids to share them with. Christmas really is for children and I think we are missing out on that so much right now.
Thanksgiving was fun. We went up to grandma and grandpa's. I love being around my nieces but it was still hard sometimes. Dad had a lot harder time than he though he would. It's just hard for us sometimes to see what other people have and we want it so bad. I really hope that by next Thanksgiving we will have a child of our own to hold and love.
We are trying to find ways to involve you as much as possible in our Christmas activities. We actually bought a stocking for you this year. It's a little pick one with an 'E' on it. It just makes me sad though that it will never be filled with gifts and goodies for your. Right now it's just hanging there reminding me that you're gone. We also got a couple more ornaments to represent you on our tree. We haven't been able to find the perfect ornament for this year though. We want something to honor the other child we lost this year in the miscarriage, but we haven't been able to find what we are looking for.
I know we will get to be with you again and even raise you, but I don't know how different things will be. Will we get to involve you for real in our traditions? I don't know why that is so important to me. I just want you to have a real experience at life and share in what is important to me. I know people say that our loved ones are with us, especially this time of year but it's just not the same.
I love you and miss you. Merry Christmas my angel.
Love,
Mom
